I have an issue with my thoughts not being very clear when I have many of them.  It's kind of like fast forwarding through a song, and though parts of it are recognizable, mostly it's just a jumble of stuff you can't quite place.  That's how my mind has felt lately.  I think it's starting to clear, though.

I go back to Houston in one week for imaging and the all clear from my doctor.  I am really hopeful about these appointments, but there is also a lingering trepidation there.  Is it possible to be hopeful and skeptical at the same time?  

My sweet friend, DeeDee, came down for a visit from St. Louis last week.  I got to see her last for about a day in April, so having here here for 5 days was really nice.  We explored some of central Texas, including a winery that had been on my list for a while.  Becker Vineyards near Fredericksburg is definitely worth a visit, just in case you're considering it :)  DeeDee is one of those rare people I feel completely comfortable with, even if we're not talking at all.  We drove quite a bit during her visit, and there were stretches of absolute quiet then, and it never got uncomfortable.  There was also lots of talking...mostly from me.  God love her, DeeDee is able to put up with my insanity as much as she is able to deal with silence.  I am so thankful for her love and friendship.  

After dropping DeeDee off at the airport last week, I had time to come home and work out.  After working out, I stuck around my gym for a Zumba class...basically an aerobics class with more Latin rhythms.  It was a blast!  I think I should NOT work out before the next one, maybe I'd be able to keep up a little better.  

I am trying to get more disciplined before going back to work.  I am working on a budget, so I can pay off medical bills without breaking the bank.  I am also trying to get my food & exercise on a more realistic and reasonable schedule.  My goal is to go to Curves 5 times a week, and to walk at least 2 miles per day 6 times a week.  I think if I do that, I will want to have more healthy choices in my diet.  Any suggestions for healthy foods that will fit a tight budget and taste good?  I'm looking for any and all ideas.  Last time I was really health-conscious, I hardly cooked anything at all.  I ate a lot of salads, fruits, and yogurt, with the occasional egg white mixed in there for protein.  I'd like to learn how to cook for a healthy diet...I miss cooking (and I think if you asked Debby's kids, they'd tell you I've lost my touch, at least some days).  

The last random thing I have swirling around in my brain is an event I went to last Saturday.  It was the Waco Relay for Life.  I have been a part of several other relay events in the past, mostly through Starbucks.  The last one I went to was two years ago.  I cannot remember thinking, at any of the events I've been to in the past, "gosh, I hope I can be a survivor at a relay some day."  I cannot say I ever wanted to be associated with cancer in any way, much less look in the mirror and think, "I'm a cancer survivor."  That may explain why, when I got the invitation to this year's Relay for Life events, I did not respond.  I wasn't even sure I was going to go to the walk.  I KNEW with certainty I wasn't going to walk all night.  Saturday arrived, and it was a gorgeous day.  I asked John and Lori if they wanted to come to Waco with me that night, so we headed off together.  We arrived just prior to the walk's start, which is one lap around the track with just cancer survivors, and the 2nd lap is with survivors and their families.  Thank goodness for my friend Mandi...she volunteers with the American Cancer Society, and was looking for me to arrive.  When we got to the track, she stayed with Lori and John while I took the first lap with other survivors.  I've gotta say, I still don't want to think of myself as someone with cancer, but since I can't do anything about it now, I'd much rather be a cancer survivor than the alternative.  We only walked for about an hour and a half, but I am clearer now than before that I want to be a part of things like this...things that celebrate that people triumph over cancer rather than the other way around.  

That's my brain dump for today.  October 26th is when I go to Houston for imaging, then I get results from my doctor on the 27th.  Please pray for me between now and then.  I think the last thing I need is anxiety about those days and the results they'll bring.  I go back to something Dr. Wolf said before I even started treatment....it was something to the effect of the best way to have success in chemo (?) and to prevent recurrence is to rid myself of stress.  The best way I know to rid myself of stress is to pray...so I'm doing it and asking you to as well.  I'll let you know when I have results!

Rhythm

I tend to get a little off my rhythm after chemo. It is nearing 1a.m. and I cannot even fathom the idea of sleep. I look forward to the days I am motivated throughout the day, and ready to go to bed at a decent hour. Today I went to the grocery store, and you would have thought I was on a 10-mile hike. I had to convince myself I could leave the house and survive the "trek." I did, but it was the longest hour of my life. I did go to Debby's this afternoon, but didn't even manage to do anything useful while I was there. I think it was another accomplishment just to leave the house. Here's praying I get back into my normal rhythm soon.

Round Six is over!

Yahoo! My last round of chemo is over!!! After talking to my doctor yesterday, she agreed that though the issues I am having are related to cancer they are more likely side effects rather than signs of new badness going on. I had heard that side effects are typically cumulative, I have just been feeling so good that I had forgotten that. Dr. Wolf also said something that I was neglecting to take into account. She said that even though I mentally felt strong (can you imagine me ever saying that about myself??) that my body is still fighting a disease. So, I should keep working out, keep eating healthy, but not to expect the results I was getting before until this is all over. That made me feel much better.

In a few weeks, I come back to Houston for more imaging. Basically, any tools they can use to look at my body to determine that the cancer is gone, they'll use. After that, I come back every 3 months for a couple of years, then it goes to every six months after that. I am feeling hopeful that the new I will hear is good. I guess I can continue saying, "Look out world, I am feeling good!"

Update

It has been quite some time since I've had anything of note to write here. My days have been pretty much the same....some exercise, some housework, then off to Debby's in the evenings. It has been great to feel useful for at least part of the day.

Tonight Debby and I are off to Houston for what I hope is my final round of chemo. I have two issues I need to let my doctor know about, and one or both could affect my treatment plan, but I am optimistic that this is my last round. If you would pray with me that my two issues are minor and unrelated to the cancer, I would really appreciate it.

I lost a friend to cancer today. Jason, who had been battling liver cancer for over a year, died today. He was about my age, was married to Sarah, and they have a 10 year old son, Max. Words are hard here. Yes, I know he is in a better place, but the days ahead will be hard on Sarah & Max. Then, there is the reality for me...people die from cancer every day. Reality is hard, and it's real.

I hope your week is full of blessings, and that you love on your family & friends a little extra this week!

This & That

Mental note for future reference...do not, I repeat, DO NOT, attempt multiple workouts per day in the days just after chemo. If you could help me remember that, that would be great.

Over the weekend we had perfect weather for just lying around & being lazy. The days were gray and rainy, and the nights were cool. I think our warmest temperature was less than 85 degrees, so we even turned off the a/c...a real feat in September here in Texas!

Although the weather was inviting me to be lazy, I tried to fight it. After Curves and ballroom dancing on Friday, I attempted Curves and walking on Saturday. Boy, did I pay for it. My body hurt...not just in the joints or muscles where I'd expect it, but it hurt all over. You know it's bad when you lay down and your skin hurts from just touching the couch or the pillow--it makes sleeping pretty tough. I know it's not from the exercise that I hurt, but from the chemo. One of the meds I get is made from platinum, and its primary side effect is muscle and joint stiffness. I guess I thought if I ignored it or battled it, it wouldn't affect me. Ha. Ha.

Sunday, I gave in a little bit. I made it to church, had lunch with some sweet friends, then maxed myself out by watching some NFL and napping. In case you didn't know, NFL games are the perfect background noise for a nap, especially if one of 'your' teams isn't playing :) Later in the evening I walked the dogs...not a workout type walk, but a leisurely, 'let's go appreciate the neighborhood park' type walk. A good sabbath day, for sure!

So far this week has been fairly routine. Home & workouts during the mornings/early afternoons, to Debby's in the evenings. Last night I spent the later part of the evening at my friends' house, working on a book we started months ago. I won't tell you all about it here, but I should note that you will LOVE this book. We've been working on outline & plot for a while, but last night we actually started writing the pages of the book, and it is lovely. The book is designed for kids, but I think adults will enjoy it, too. I know I do!

All right, I'm off to do something productive. I hope your day goes well!

Round 5-Check

Round 5 of chemo is now over! I think I took two photos to commemorate the event, I will try to post them soon. I am thankful for Debby taking the time to come with me to Houston & sitting with me through the hours of chemo. We did a few other fun things to pass the time. Between appointments on Thursday, we walked back & forth from the clinic to the hospital a few times. Rumor has it that it's about a quarter of a mile each way (on their fancy, air-conditioned catwalk) so I think we got a least a mile of walking in. The trips back & forth were to get a wig (dark brown, longer hair than I have had in quite a few years, but the most "normal" looking I tried on) and to go to a scarf-tying seminar I had wanted to visit on each trip, but had somehow missed until this week. It was worth going to, I learned the primary reason I couldn't get scarves to stay on my head was because I was folding them wrong...who knew?

We got back home Friday around 3. Since being home, I have worked out twice, had dinner with friends, and gone ballroom dancing. I am attempting to not take any of my post-chemo meds to see how I do without them, and so far so good. I am thinking about taking a nap now, but that may be because we have a beautiful gray day outside that I want to take advantage of. Ahhh, how I love the rain! Have a great weekend!

You Asked for It...

I have had a couple of people ask why I haven't posted anything here lately, and I guess I'd have to say it's because things feel so normal that I don't think I have a lot to say. What follows are the highlights of my life since I last posted, in no particular order.

I started the "Couch to 5k" training program. The last time I started this, I was in much better shape. I am now in week 3 (out of 9 weeks), and though it is not hard yet, it is getting harder. I plan to run a 5k in DC with some of my sisters on November 8th, to celebrate the fact that my cancer is gone (which is what I am expecting to hear from my doctor before then). Ooh, and I hate that I just called it "my cancer." Can it be THE cancer instead? I'd like that...then no one has to own it and it can just go away. Anyhow, back to how I was in better shape...For two years (prior to May '09) I had really focused on getting healthy by exercising and eating right. Sometime in the last year, I got this wild hair that I should be able to run a 5k. For as long as I can remember, I have hated running/jogging--anything faster than a walk was just detestable. However, I told myself that since I was 50 pounds lighter than I used to be, it wouldn't be so bad. And it wasn't. I was strong and healthy, with the muscles to prove it, and jogging wasn't my favorite thing, but it wasn't horrible either. This time around it is different, I haven't really been exercising since May, and the jogging seems much more daunting...but I'm doing it. Yay!

I have been baking. Nice choice to go along with the jogging, right? I don't have to be healthy all of the time. I have tried out some family favorites, as well as some new recipes with potential. Thank God I have not been eating all of these baked goods myself. I have been sharing with Debby's family. If you'd like to get in on the action of free baked treats, all you have to do is show up at Debby's house in the evenings and try it out. For family--Mom's Gooey Butter Cake recipe from the family cookbook was a HUGE hit! The biggest hit, though, were brownies I wanted to make, but didn't have all the ingredients for...so I modified, and modified a little more, and then I frosted the brownies just in case they didn't taste quite right, and everyone who had them loved them. I have tried to recreate the recipe, but I guess I lost the touch, because I haven't been able to get them quite like that again.

I have seen lots of friends. I got up to Greenville to see my friends, the Fields. I have had a couple of lunches and dinners with friends (mostly after church on Sundays) to keep up with their goings-on. I am walking later today with my friend, Jennifer, for the 2nd time. I spend weekday evenings still with Debby and her kiddos, helping with homework and making supper. I love having someone who is counting on me, and to feel at the end of the day I have contributed something.

What else???? I have been walking the dogs several days a week, and I may have learned the way to keep those giant chocolate labs from pulling my arms off when we walk. I organized my guest room closet/storage area, I re-organized a few of my kitchen cabinets, I cleared the storage shelf in my garage so I can find stuff when I need it, and I've been playing tennis a couple nights a week with Jimmy. I have been to church two Sundays in a row, and feel blessed to be able to be there and hear the Word preached and to have fellowship with my church family. Plus, this past Sunday I even made it to Bible study here in my little neighborhood. I am glad to see our little church plant growing into something more....who knows what God has in store for us????

My apologies to you who did NOT ask what I've been up to. Sorry you had to read this far just to learn that the past few weeks have been very regular & non-eventful. I am thankful for that, most of the time. I occasionally feel tired (or lazy?), but mostly I feel good. I head down to Houston tonight with Debby. We'll stop in College Station to see Angie & have dinner, then we're staying a couple of nights in a hotel the American Cancer Society found for us, for FREE--praise God! I will try to keep you more updated so you don't have to ask to hear my ramblings.

Have a great day!