the 10th kid

One year

2011-12-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, my life was changed completely.

One year ago today, a precious, beautiful girl walked into my life, and yesterday I learned that I'll be able to adopt her. We are forever family. Forever.

Yesterday my Little Miss got a baby brother. We're praying fervently for him to come home so we can share and celebrate our life with him.

I am so thankful it is Advent, and we have been talking about waiting. Waiting for a Savior. Waiting for God to fulfill his promises. It has been good training for my heart as I wait for Little Man to come home. I haven't even met him and I miss him already.

An Open Letter

2011-11-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

I wrote this heartfelt letter to the judge who was supposed to hear our case yesterday. I had several drafts. I really wanted to summarize how Little Miss has grown & changed over the almost year she's been with me. I wanted him to see how we've become family. Here is (most) of that letter:

Dear Judge,
I am writing, hoping you'll see fit to allow me to start adoption proceedings for Little Miss, who has been my foster daughter since December 2010.

When Little Miss came to live with me, she was very polite, but seemed hollow somehow. Although she knew the names of every television character, she would not look me, or anyone, in the eyes. She was very scared. She didn't like going to bed, brushing her teeth, or taking a bath. She was particularly frightened of men, and would cling to me when there were men in her presence. Little Miss's speech was understandable, but her vocabulary was limited, and she usually only used two-word phrases like "Help, please" or "Mama, up."

In the eleven months Little Miss has been with me, she has blossomed in many, many ways. Just last week, she asked me to read a book to her, with a 7-word sentence. Seven beautiful, clear, precious words! What a joy!

Little Miss has grown in more ways than just her speech. She identifies many letters, colors, and shapes. She has memorized several books and loves to "read" them to me when she pretends to be the mama.

Instead of living in an inward, hollow way, she now lights up every room she enters. She is silly and funny. She loves to dance and sing. Little Miss notices when friends at day care or church are sad or scared, and stands by, ready to hug or help.

I am one of 13 children, and Little Miss and I have had several opportunities to interact with my family. On a trip to Colorado in June, Little Miss got to fly in an airplane, ride on a bus, and take a train up to Pike's Peak with an assortment of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Amazingly, Little Miss retained most of their names from June to October, when we visited family in Missouri. When I tell you Little Miss is my family, I mean it in every way. If I am allowed to adopt her, she will also be adopted by dozens and dozens of extended family. In our minds and our hearts, Little Miss is already a Drake.

I love Little Miss. I love that she now is safe and secure. I love that she is learning about decisions and consequences. I love that Little Miss is learning about faith and community.

Our last eleven months have not always been easy--life rarely is. We have both shed tears. Through those tears, though, I see one thing clearly, Little Miss and I ARE a family.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

I sit here today, trying to recover from not even having the opportunity to hand my letter to the judge. Our broken system requires another delay. Another month. I had counted on all the people involved in this case to have done everything they were supposed to do SO much, that when it hadn't happened, I just fell apart.

And my idol is exposed. I want to be her forever mom SO much, that I have discarded my true God, and replaced Him with this idol. Devastation. Despair. Wanting to be her forever mom is not a bad thing, but it is not an ultimate thing. The devastation and despair I've allowed into my life show what happens when we place our hope on the wrong things.

Oh, Lord, help me. Help me to remember that you are refining me in this fire. Help me to lift my eyes to YOU, the One who can satisfy. You are the one who knows what needs to be done here. And as much as I love Little Miss, YOU love her more. And you love me too much to let me wallow in this despair.

I lift my eyes to you. More than ever, now I need to see You, Your character. Your care, Your compassion. Let me not waste the days wondering WHY, instead remind me to rest in You. You are always good--both to me and for me. Even now.

Come as You Are

2011-07-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

If we're coming as we are to our relationships, are we accepted? Are we acceptable? I'm not sure. I think I will be. Want to know the good news? No matter HOW we come to God, in sweats or formal wear, He sees us for who we really are...sinners in need of saving. So, take off the tuxedos and ballgowns (unless you're going to a formal event--then it's okay) and BE who you are. Know that God loves you (and me, and that guy over there) no matter what we are on the outside as long as we know WHOSE we are!

I know that's the kind of way I usually end my writing, so let me take a few steps back.

I was thinking today about an old Daisy Duck cartoon. In it, she is playing dress up, and one of her friends calls her and invites her to a "come as you are" party. She goes as she is, and her friends make her feel terrible for being so dressed up. She is ostracized for coming as she was. (I honestly went to youtube to try to find a clip to link for you, but I was unsuccessful.) Please don't overthink WHY this cartoon was in my head--I don't think I can afford the therapy for that! But, it did get me thinking about how we present ourselves to the world. Let me go back a step.

Our Sunday and Monday were pretty tough. Little Miss started our Sunday bedtime routine by dunking clean panties into the toilet and flinging the (blessedly) clean water all over our bathroom. She ended the bedtime routine by NOT EVER GOING TO BED. That's a bit of an exaggeration, but she was up about 6 times that night, once for 2 hours straight. It was like a horrible game of tag. She'd come to my bed, I'd put her back in her bed, certain she was asleep, then go to bed. Mere minutes later she was back in my bed. I even tried sleeping in the spare bed in her room to offer her some comfort, but then she was just trying to climb into that bed. I was exhausted. We somehow survived the day, only to have the bedtime game of tag start again. My exhaustion lost me the game, and at 330, I woke to her sweet voice saying, "Mama. Mama." I looked, and she was covered in what I thought was blood! Heavens, the panic! I got her out into the hallway, in the light, to see that, instead, she was covered in a mysterious black substance. When I asked her what it was, she told me it was marker. Now, being the mom, I know where the markers are kept, and I was fairly sure it WASN'T marker. I told her to show me which marker. She proceeded into the bathroom, opened a drawer, then opened....mascara. My almost-3-year old's face was covered in mascara. I switched from terror to anger in no time. I managed to get her cleaned up AND find the baby gate in the garage in under 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I couldn't take it any more. I needed a way to help her sleep better. I set up the gate, gave her very clear instructions "Do Not Touch The Gate" because all adults know that stinkin' thing won't hold up if she wants to get out of her room! And, God Bless Us Every One, she has slept through the night every night since then. This morning, with a bit of cloud cover, my angel slept until 7am! She read in bed until 8. I am a much happier mama with some sleep on board. Much. Happier.

I promise there is a connection between this and Daisy Duck. I really do. Apparently, I've held onto this idea for a while, and here it is: It's that parents (Christians, families, neighbors...pick your favorite) just get it right every time. Instead, we do our best to play dress up when others are around and lay around in our sweats the rest of the time. I do TRY to be a good mama. I really do. So, when you ask me, "How are things going with Little Miss?" I'll tell you we're doing well. I'll tell you about how she bumped her chin and what a fun kid she is, but I'll leave off the parts where I lose my patience, or where time out lasts a few minutes longer than it should, or where I just couldn't give her a bath last night because we were too darn tired.

I will try, going forward, to not play dress up with you. I will let you know the good with the bad. Some weeks (okay, maybe not weeks--but days? or hours?) we may really be doing well. My prayers of having strength and skills equal to my tasks are being answered, so I expect some times I'll feel like Daisy Duck with the phone ringing. Some days, though, I'll tell you, "This is hard. Harder than I've ever imagined it would be. I'm exhausted and impatient. I'm short-tempered and not very nice." And then, as now, I'll ask you to pray for Little Miss and me, as we figure out how to be mama and daughter.

Recent Ramblings

2011-05-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am feeling sort of numb, as if this week hasn't really happened. I am tired. Little girl is tired.

Big girl went home. Suddenly. On Tuesday. Everyone involved with the case seemed shocked that the judge decided she could go home. But he did, so off she went. I cried, and slept, and cried some more. And since about midday on Wednesday I have just felt numb, almost as if it's just too much effort to cry anymore.

Fortunately, God is still good. That doesn't necessarily make this time any easier, but truth is truth. From Psalm 38:9-11: "Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me. My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague; And my kinsmen stand afar off." Most of my family and friends have experienced loss and grief. They have mourned. I know I'm not alone in the sadness. I just keep praying for the big girl & her mom...knowing the awful situation she came from and the abrupt "promise of change" from her mom do not make me confident that she will be safe, cared for, and loved like she deserves to be loved. I just keep asking God to pursue them, to be irresistible to them.

But then I doubt. I am such a broken vessel & a horrible teacher. Did I show her truly who God is? Did I fully show her the life-changing power of God's grace? I know I didn't. Thankfully, I am not alone. Lots of people stood in the gap of this precious girl's life to shine a small ray of His goodness and glory to her. I pray He continues His work in her life. All for our good and His glory.

Meanwhile, I'm contemplating the trip we planned to Colorado. Instead of a party of 3, it will just be the little one and me. Time with family, praise God. Time to witness and celebrate a wedding, time to introduce the precious child God has blessed me with (for however long) to the people who have shaped me most.

My caseworker visited last night and her hardest question was, "What are you doing to take care of you?" Honestly, I answered with "Nothing." I am possibly in the worst physical shape of my life. The only time I regularly see friends is at church. I just feel like I spend my life either at work or at home. As a mom, that shouldn't surprise me. How do I balance mom life with healthy life?

I am hunting for a new job. Praying about where I think God is calling me. Possibly starting a non-profit to offer support and encouragement to foster/adoptive families. Possibly starting a small foster group home with some other friends. Just praying, waiting, listening for God's voice in all of the insane plans I have--or that I want to have.

Little girl's plan is changing. Instead of currently planning for reunification, CPS's current plan is for non-relative adoption--meaning me. Though the idea of that is amazing, I am trying not to put all of my hope there because the roller coaster can be an ugly place some days. Who knows what can change at any moment? Also, little girl's mom is pregnant. Crazy thing is, if her parental rights are terminated on the little one I've got, then her parental rights will be terminated with any future children born to her. So, that means new baby could end up with me, too. It's a SUPER long shot, but how world-rocking would that be? To be 38 (almost 39) with a newborn and a 3 year old? I must officially be insane.

Writing is very cathartic for me, so I appreciate you reading through my ramblings. Most nights when I sit down w/my laptop, the warmth it sends into my body just puts me straight to sleep, so I'm glad I started this post earlier than normal.

I covet your prayers for my big girl & my little girl. I ask for prayers on how to prioritize & balance my life. Please pray for my job hunt. Please pray for peace & contentment in our roller-coastery situation.

Even though the world didn't end on May 21st, sometimes I crave that day. The day we no longer have to say, "Come, Lord Jesus, come make this world right again. Put an end to sin and suffering and death. Make all the broken things whole. Including me."

Amen.

Roller coaster

2011-04-01T19:57:00.001-07:00

Whoo. What a week! I started trying to prepare my heart that the big girl would go home this week and then the whole foster parent roller coaster ride started. To be fair to roller coasters, at least with them I see the track and I know how it's supposed to end, not so much with foster care.

Tuesday rolled around, and the caseworker told me she needed to do some investigating of birth mom's history to see if she really was safe for big girl to go home (which I thought should have been going on since big girl was removed from her mom, but whatever), and that most likely big girl would be w/me another month. I was thrilled on two counts--one, of course, I get more time with her precious heart, and two--that would mean that she would really be going home to someone who's safe, not questionable--but that didn't last long....less than 15 minutes. Big girl then told the caseworker she wanted to move to another home because she didn't feel safe (long story, but potentially, she could really not be safe) in my neighborhood. As she left my house, the caseworker informed me that big girl would be moving within a week, b/c they couldn't let her stay here and feel unsafe. Also, because of her concerns w/safety, big girl would no longer be allowed to play outside.

Then on Wednesday big girl's caseworker decided to stop communicating with me, and here we sit, in limbo. Apparently she did her month's worth of work and investigation in 24 hours, so we've come full circle to where big girl is ready to go home--again. Big girl doesn't know it yet, and I don't know when, so I feel at loose ends.

What to do? We go on with life. Today is chore day. Time to do laundry and clean bathrooms. Some time to play. We got kolaches and doughnuts for breakfast, then went to a park WAY across town to play. Both girls are in their room playing school. I sat down to write this, then it's off to the races getting the house straightened up. I just love these girls so much I want them to have some normalcy, some stability, and lots of love, lots of security. I don't want to hold on to the frustration at the situation, I just want to hold on to them. Pray for all of us, please! I know we need that more than anything.

God is good.

2011-03-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

I cried today. Really cried. At church. With friends. With the girls. A lot. Seems an odd way to point out that God is good, but he is.

I've been trying to process the logistics of the big girl going home in the next week or so. I've been focusing heavily on logistics because it was all I could handle. Any time I thought about her leaving, it just made me sad, in spite of how happy SHE is. I've put on my brave face, trying to just be okay. Truth is, I'm not okay, but when I think of it, none of us are.

I picked up a copy of a kids' catechism book today because the girls and I have been reviewing the first three questions, and I think they're ready for more. Questions 4-6 opened some interesting doors today. We talked about how striving to do what God wants us to do is only possible because he first loves us. We talked about how God cares for us in relationships with others. We talked about cancer and orphans and love and sin and Satan and forgiveness. I talked about how I hate apologizing but how important it is. We talked a lot, obviously.

So, in this time that will be very difficult, without doubt, it was a good day to remember that God is still good. As was preached in church today, even when we run after other loves, God loves us yet.

Amen and amen.

**Edit**We also got to have a tea party at Debby's house. The kids had gotten out a tea set during a game of house, and dinner was ready, so Debby & I served them on the porch. They used the tiny tea party plates and cups, and we served dinner in courses, pretending to be fancy. What fun!

Yes!

2011-02-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

We have had a great weekend. I tried something I have done as an aunt, and said yes to a whole lot of things I might normally think we don't have time for. We watched a movie (twice!) We played at a fun new park. We went to a carnival. We had friends over & went to friends houses for extended amounts of time. And guess what? In all the fun, we still managed to grocery shop, clean bedrooms & bathrooms, and catch up on laundry. And yes, I said we. Both girls pitched in & worked fast to make more time for all that fun. Plus, there's a cake in the oven. Made from scratch. Who knew all this fun could be had?

I worry so much about providing safety & stability for my girls that I sometimes forget that it is okay for all of us just to relax, have fun, and enjoy being a family. It's hard to balance out the needs and the wants, but I know I needed to have fun with my girls, not just be the chore-giver, the cook, or the maid. I think this is the first time, in a while, that I have relaxed enough to really enjoy being a mom. Last night, both girls were up until 930 (gasp!) and you know what? We all survived. We even made it to church on time, with an extra kiddo in tow.

Right now, big girl is at a friend's house. Little girl is sleeping. I'm writing, and managing not to whine or complain about this path we're on. I feel so blessed to love them, and have them in my home and in my heart. I pray every day that they will always know the love of the Lord, and know what a kind, merciful, loving Savior he is. I think a lot of my saying "yes" more this weekend has to do with one of our Jesus Storybook Bible stories this week. (Yes, that is where I'm getting my scripture these days, please don't judge.) Anyway, we read the story about how Jesus' disciples were trying to keep the little ones from him, saying Jesus didn't have time for them, and Jesus rebuked them, stating he always had time for the little ones. It really got me thinking if I made time for MY little ones. I have beds and food and clothes and school and homework and books and and and...but do I have TIME for them? Do we play? Laugh? Just sit and talk? Hardly ever. Loving them sometimes means saying no, but it shouldn't always be no.

So, I've said yes, and both girls seem to be enjoying it. Can I always say yes? Of course not. But can we enjoy the blessing of being together now? Yes, please. Amen and amen.

***EDIT***Sunday night we had dinner with friends (thanks, Pearsons! We loved it!). Once again, we were in bed late. MonDAY went fine. However, Monday night included epic meltdowns. We survived. But barely. My survival included crying and ice cream and prayer. It's not all great when I say yes all the time :)

Adjusting

2011-02-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

I've been a mom for nearly two months, and a mom to two for 6 weeks. I think MY adjustment time is about over. I'm now used to not sleeping through the night, to sharing my time and my space almost all the time, to making chicken nuggets about once a week for dinner, and all sorts of other adjustments. The girls are still adjusting...how to have a sister, how to share space, how to live with someone who's not your mom...you know, the usual stuff.

I am learning that I am not as "full of grace" as I see my mom or other moms being. I don't have infinite patience. Sometimes, my girls annoy me, and it hurts me to admit that. I often think I spend too much time with one girl, then feel guilty and overcompensate.

Today the big one is home sick, and because I rarely remember being sick as a kid, I am not so good at nurturing. I am good at nurturing spirits and friendships and plants, but sick kids, not so much. She is whiny, needy, and a little defiant. She doesn't listen to reason when I tell her what she needs is sleep and fluids. She thinks she needs unlimited attention and movies; thinks moaning and yelling her complaints will help her feel better, apparently. As I said, I lack grace in this situation.

I lack grace, period. That's my struggle. I know how my much girls need, and how much they need from me, and I am distinctly aware of how much I NEED Jesus. I need Jesus in my everyday life, I need Jesus in my interactions with my girls, I need Jesus in my impatience and overwhelmed-ness.

Pray for all of us! Be near, Lord Jesus!

Being a mom is hard.

2011-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

There. I said it. I always knew being a mom was challenging, but I never expected it to be like this. What do you do when your kids act like they hate you? Well, hate is a strong word, I guess it's more indifference than hate. And that's just one. The other one loves me most of the time, except when she's scared of me. What's up with that? And the eye rolling. When do they learn that? Is there a class at school or something?

And, mom friends, how do you ever carry on a conversation? I have not mastered that yet. Seems like every time I want to talk to someone I am distracted beyond belief by something one of them is doing. Is this a something that I am completely oblivious to? Do all moms struggle to put sentences together?

Plus, I'm constantly tired. I could fall over into a nap at any given moment. Most moms I know also suffer from this "need a nap syndrome," so at least THAT feels normal.

I keep reminding myself that there is enough grace for all of this. There is grace for me, and for my girls. There is great love from my friends and family. I can take a deep breath, remember I am new at this, and keep moving forward. I can put my kids to bed thirty minutes early and have ice cream, because, well, I'm the mom.

Three Weeks, Almost

2010-12-30T20:08:00.000-08:00

So, there was a court date today and I should learn soon if/when the baby is going home to her mom. I had one person tell me that it is possible she could go home any day. It makes my heart hurt, thinking about it, but I've been praying that God would just reach down into the mom's life, and the baby's life, and give them security, safety, and peace. I so hope that there isn't a day they don't know the Lord. We pray for mom every night, and I have to really check my heart to know that I am really praying for her, and not just for me.

I know I have so many people praying for us, loving on us, both near and far. i know that love and those prayers are what is sustaining me on this roller coaster ride.

Lately, as I've picked her up from school, I tell her I love her "to the moon and back" and now, when I tell her I love her, she says "love you and back." Talk about melting my heart. I so wish you could see pictures to know how beautiful she is, but let me tell you, you just wouldn't believe her preciousness!

And, this new mama is out...going to sleep for a few hours before the (nearly) inevitable middle of the night wake up call.

Happy New Year!

One week

2010-12-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much things can change in one week. I can be really productive from 830 to midnight. I can also be surprisingly useful from 6 to 7 in the morning. Suddenly, it makes sense why I cannot remember ever seeing my mom asleep.

I am in love. Big time love. Heart-wrenching, gut-dropping love. I tell everyone her hugs are so sweet they're like candy. I cannot get enough of them. At work today, when I closed my eyes I saw her face. I missed her like crazy. She goes to see her mom for the first time tomorrow and I'm trying not to be anxious. I pray for mom, and for the babe entrusted to me, for however long.

And that's about it from this new mama. Being almost 38 with a young kiddo is a good reminder of why our child-bearing years are early in life. But I wouldn't trade a minute...except maybe for the screaming tantrums. But that's it. Promise.

Ready

2010-11-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am ready for a new chapter in my life to start. I am ready to live for someone else and not just for myself. I am ready for God to use me to make a life brighter. I am ready.

Or so I think. I am thinking about tomorrow, meeting with the woman who's doing my home study. Will she think I'm ready? Is my house ready? Is the kid's room ready? Am I emotionally/physically/fiscally prepared for the change that could be coming my way?

Am I ready to wait, and wait some more? Am I ready to know how badly we humans really treat one another? Am I ready to love the way a hurt child needs to be loved? Am I ready to let that child go, and in the process, have my heart shattered? Am I?

Those are my questions and my prayers as I head to bed tonight. I know what I am able to do and who I am able to be is perfectly orchestrated by God, but it's SO hard to turn off all the questions and the doubts, and to quiet the stubborn, insufficient places within me.

This is my prayer tonight: God, you are so good. you give us all that we need to take each breath. You are a good, loving, generous Father, who gives to us in abundance. Lord, do not let me rest on that abundance. Do not let me stagnate in my own insecurities. Father. let me trust you now, and every day, that you lead me down paths that are good for me and glorifying to you. Thank you, Lord, for your hand guiding me to this point. Thank you for sweet, loving friends who have supported me on this journey. Thank you, without measure, for the perfect life and gruesome death of your Son, which allow me to stand before you and continue to ask for more than I deserve. Lord, give me grace on this journey. Let me show some sliver of your light to Chris, who will be conducting my home study. Let me love the children you place in my care. Help me to gently and genuinely pray for their families, that even while their kids are with me, you would knit them back together and make them whole, through your Son. Lord, let me love the way you love. Let me pour into these little lives the same kind of sacrificial love you have poured into me. Lord, show me again and again that the right path is almost never the easiest path. Move in me, Lord, so that I may love these kids until it hurts me, so that their hearts and bodies and lives can heal. And I pray, Lord, that these kids and their families would run to You and cling to You as the one who provides more than we can ever ask. Lord, may it be true, now more than ever, that I cannot make things worse. Amen.

I think I'm ready.

Today, waiting, and more joy.

2010-10-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

I sit here, looking out over my Saturday, contemplating the "need to do" and "want to do" lists, wondering if there is any way to merge them and still enjoy the day. I am so selfish with my time, I want to hold onto it, ride the last minute of it until it's gone. Even then, sometimes, I manage to feel sad about its departure, like there should just be more time. I am prayerful this morning. I want to make this day something memorable, not just another in a string of things to do and places to be. I pray for discipline to do the things I think I should do in order to truly enjoy the things I want to do. Ah, the conundrum. Because, really, I could stay in my pajamas all day, drinking coffee, watching movies, and fritter the whole day away. If I do that, though, I'll be mad tomorrow, and frustrated when I start the day on Monday. This past week was such a joy, I don't know if I want to risk ruining Monday from here, the start of Saturday.

I feel like I am constantly waiting these days. Apparently having something "out there" that I really want creates anticipation I could not have imagined. Even as I wait, I ponder how much harder it is going to be than I think. Once, I told my pastor that the reason I wanted to be married and have kids was so that I could see grace up close and personal. I wanted to know the heaviness of loving someone so much that I would do anything for them, move mountains if I had to, and think, in the same thought, of how much they need and how hard it is. I know that's not grace in the classic sense, but I hope you can see what I mean. What's the saying? God loves you the way you are, but too much to let you stay that way. That's the gist, the future I see. Loving whole-heartedly, knowing that it is going to be a tough road.

Last week was full of good days. I had the one year anniversary of my doc telling me I was cancer free. I was told my home study could be scheduled (I still haven't heard anything. I was told they had 7-10 days to schedule it, so--no surprise--I'm waiting). I feel like my interactions were fruitful and true, definitely God-ordained. I got to visit a friend with a new cancer diagnosis, to hear his heart and how God is working in him during this scary time. I spent one day with my awesome niece, just the two of us. Then, Friday night, 3 big kids came over to my house and we played volleyball, ordered pizza, and watched movies. Nothing huge, but fun all the same. Oh, and we laughed. We laughed when John said the same funny thing over & over. We laughed when we chased Kristina across the field, we laughed when Lori tried to roll the ball up her leg but ended up kicking it. I hadn't laughed so much in a very long time. I mean, full on, bent over, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe laughing. Amazing. God given. Love. And when pizza time came, I asked the kids to talk about one way they'd seen God move during that day, and the typical things came up, weather, surprise breaks, people being nice when the didn't have to, and (not from me) the laughter. It was a good day!

I guess that's what I want more of. Days that stand out, and then blend in, because of the joy that is contained therein. (Did I just steal that from someone? Maybe. I'll just say that I liked it and it sounded good.)

Here's to more joy.

Fragments & such

2010-10-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have started writing lots of things lately, but haven't had time to finish any of them. More accurately, I haven't had the presence of mind to finish things. I will start, get a few sentences in, then my mind will scatter. Don't worry if I can't finish this post, at least you'll get some of the craziness wandering my head.

Work is fine. Not uber-challenging, but a good balance for all the other stuff going on. Do you know I have to have a full FBI background check, a fire inspection, a TB test, psychotropic med. training and about a hundred other minute details BEFORE CPS will schedule someone to come do a home study? I know that now. For some reason I thought that I could accomplish the bazillion things I needed to do in a short time. Ummm...not so much. It took me a month to get all the minutia accomplished. Today, my caseworker FINALLY told me that she had everything she needed to contact the company in charge of home studies to let them know they could start the process. Alleluia!

It seems I have been obsessed with this whole foster care/adoption thing, but there have been other things going on. Kari & Ryan tied the knot a couple of weeks back. Their wedding was beautiful and amazing and sweet. Plus, I got to meet a lot of their friends & family. There was a lot to do & Kari had a plan to get it all done. All we had to was execute :) We did, and at the end of all the fun, I was tired. Fortunately I'd had the foresight to take an extra day off work after the wedding and spent the day cleaning house & working on my yard. That may have been the best day of work I'd had in a long time.

Just before the wedding, I went to Houston to have my quarterly check-up with my oncologist. It was not a good start to the week because due to some changes at my job, my insurance had changed and I didn't have coverage. I was so frustrated! I think it's the first time I'd ever been so angry that I cried. That frustration was like a new friend. We did everything together for a couple of days, until I realized the new friend was making me different in every other area of my life. Instead of focusing on the anger & frustration, I realized that the issue was going to be resolved somehow and I let go of the anger & frustration. I did let it taint a few days, but after that, I've tried to find a way to be positive. One thing I'm positive about--being without insurance is a bad idea.

Now all of the insurance stuff is worked out, I am going back to the doctor in the morning. As of today, I am ONE YEAR CANCER FREE! I can't wait to see my doctor tomorrow and have her tell me my visits can spread out a bit, maybe to only twice a year. I may be a bit over-optimistic, but I'm okay like that.

I have all sorts of friends struggling with stuff, and am never at a lack for things to pray about. One of the constant things in my heart is that I want to love any kids placed in my care, and their families. Pray that God would move mightily to change hearts & actions so that families can be reunited safely. Sometimes my heart overflows with hope, and sometimes despair. In spite of my lack, I lay everything in the hands of my Father, who can, and does, care about this roller coaster ride we call life.

Training

2010-09-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Did I mention in my last post that I am taking training classes through Child Protective Services in order to get licensed to foster and adopt? I haven't been in classes in a L-O-N-G time, and evening classes, in particular, are tough for me. This isn't new. I dreaded night classes when I was in college, way back in the day, but adding evening classes to a full work day is a new level of tired. I guess it's good real life training for me....nothing like total exhaustion when there's a new kiddo in the house, or so I've heard. You parents will have to verify that for me :)

Most of the classes have been unsurprising. People struggle. The world is devastated by sin, and that sin takes effect in a multitude of ways, and many, many suffer without hope. I am not new to hearing/seeing/living how sin affects our lives--in very real and painful ways. Throughout the training classes, I have been able to cope fairly well, not shocked by the sins adults perpetrate on kids, and I have been able to pray for both the adults and the kids involved in foster care. God has given me grace to see that He alone is sufficient to heal all wounds.

Tonight was different. Tonight we talked about sexual abuse. Somehow, this has undone me and my calm facade. I am deeply angry at adults who think it is in any way acceptable to ruin a child's life in this way. I am heartbroken for the kids (some in adult bodies) whose lives need so much healing, and whose lives scream for the Lord and His presence.

That's it. I'm broken. And to think I thought the tough part of being a parent to these hurt kids would be the financial part. Please, Lord help us all. Amen.

Well.

2010-09-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

I helped run a garage sale this past weekend at my church in Waco. All the funds we raised go straight to my friend, Heather, who is adopting her son Eli from Ethiopia. There were so many amazing folks over the course of two days who donated, organized, brought snacks, and purchased/donated to help bring Eli home. It was incredible!

The second day of the garage sale was 9/11, a typically very sad day for me. It was such a blessing to be working, feeling like I was making a positive difference instead of dwelling on loss. At the end of the day, though, my mom called to check in with me. It was bittersweet to hear her voice, hearing her concern for me mingled with the grief of having lost a son. It is a grief I cannot imagine, but I think I will be able to soon enough.

I am in the middle of training to become licensed as a foster/adoptive parent. It is a daunting process, and the state of Texas really wants to know everything about me. I never knew how much there was to know about myself, to tell you the truth. I have been praying, asking God to prepare me, my heart, and my home. I have a great support system, just waiting for me to ask for what I need. I promise, I will have needs as I move forward in this, and I'll try to share them as much as I am able.

Heather sold T-shirts at the garage sale over the weekend. Written on them, in English and Amharic, is the phrase, "Love Without Borders." I know this is how God loves me, and I pray it is the way I will love the kids who come home to me. God is awesome, and even if a sliver of that kind of love goes to a needy child in my care, all of this striving will have been worth it.

63

2010-08-15T20:44:00.001-07:00

God is in the details. I have heard it often, and I do believe it. Last night, I was talking with some friends about coincidence--or rather--the lack of coincidence. I truly believe that everything that might be considered a coincidence is actually orchestrated by God to reveal his mercy and his glory.

For example, when my family gathers at my parents' house for big "lake" weekends, we are often privileged to see a bald eagle or two flying overhead. There are a couple of bald eagles that nest near mom & dad's house, so it is not so surprising that one might occasionally make an appearance. However, in the nearly 9 years since my brother, Randy, was lost to the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York, the appearance of one of the eagles has taken on special significance. Boiled down, though, the sight of that bald eagle is a reminder to my family that God has neither forgotten us nor forsaken us. Though we miss Randy all of the time, his absence is felt most profoundly at those family gatherings. At those times, Randy would be a boat-driver, water-ski teacher, and all around good uncle, son, husband, brother, dad, and friend. He was ALWAYS at the lake to have a good time with his family. If there was fun to be had, he was in. For the past nine years, I don't think I'm alone in wondering how life would be different if Randy were still alive. It is hard to fathom, as the years since 9/11 have shaped who we are, what we consider important, and how we love. When that bald eagle flies, I think we take a moment to pause on how the passing years have shaped us, and how God has used real tragedy to mold us and shape us into loving him, and each other, more. I can't speak for the rest of my family, but an eagle's appearance also causes me to pause to consider God's mercies on us during that horrible time, and in the years that have passed since then. Do I think it's a coincidence that an eagle flies when we're together? Clearly not.

Another example, then I'll get to my point, I promise. My brother-in-law, Brent, died a few years back. It was horrible. Lots of lives were, and still are, affected by his passing. My sister, Judy, once told me a story of how she finds quarters when there is something she is really concerned about, or just can't figure out. The odd thing about quarters, though, is that Brent collected them. As she would worry and pray, and she'd find a quarter, she started to realize she was not alone in her fear or her anxiety. Now, to be clear, I don't think Brent had left quarters around just for Judy to find. I also don't think God put quarters in Judy's path to freak her out. I DO think that God put Judy on a path to solving problems, and those quarters were just good reminders that she was not alone, in spite of the circumstances she was in. Oh, yes, God is in those kinds of details.

This brings me to my point. Today was a sweet day. I've been involved in a church plant here in my hometown for a couple of years. We have met in homes, prayed, and trusted the Lord to build his church here. We have prayed for this city, that God would make clear that we were in the right place to do his work. As the reality of having worship here in my hometown grew nearer, we also worked on the details, things like, where would we worship? who would be in charge of music? of the nursery? how would we be intentional about welcoming folks we did not already know? and on and on. Well, this morning was it...our first service (technically, a practice. We wanted a few weeks to work out any hiccups). We each had a job, a part to play in setting up for worship. We were ready, or so we thought. As we got nearer and nearer to the beginning of worship time, I kept seeing more and more people. How could it be that almost everyone I'd met in a two-year journey to becoming a "real" church was present? There were people I'd met years ago, and more who were newer to the church. There were even a few strangers thrown in the mix for good measure. With four weeks to go before the "public" launch of our church, this first morning was shaping up nicely.

God was in that room, heard our confession, our prayers, our song, and, I pray, our worship of the one who made it all possible. During the sermon, my friend leaned up to me with something underlined in his bulletin. "I counted sixty-three folks," he said, then leaned back. I smiled, because I got it. He leaned forward a few minutes later and asked, "You see why that's a big deal, right? Look." David was preaching from Psalm 63.

Do I think there's something special in that number? Not normally. Do I see God using the details in this--and every--day to reveal who he is to us? Absolutely.

PS-I talk about my church a lot. If you want to know more about it than my random drivel, go here.

Amy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

2010-08-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

So, this week was pretty cruddy. I feel like the bad news just kept rolling in. There is so much tragedy and hurt in this world and I feel like sometimes it can overwhelm me. By Thursday, I felt like I just wanted to stay in bed instead of facing the day. Alas, that was not meant to be. I managed to make it through the day on Thursday, but I knew I needed an attitude adjustment to get through Friday.

As I got ready for the day on Friday, I tried to think in terms of "this could be worse." I realized that a year ago I felt like crap, doing a dose of chemotherapy in Houston. I could NOT have a job. I could NOT be able to pay my bills. I could STILL be doing chemo. Praise God that none of those things are happening.

While driving to work, I had a little conversation with God. Thanks for the sun (it's a hundred degrees), thanks for the green grass (man, it's work to mow that). So, I started over. God, thanks for your Son who is my satisfaction. Thank you for giving me a reprieve from pursuing my own perfection, thank You that He is my perfection. Lord, let me be a mirror--even if I'm a warped, beat-up, sliver of a mirror--let me be a mirror of your glory to others. Thank you for your provision, your grace, and for loving me when I am unlovable, which feels like most of the time lately.

It's amazing, that grace. It took my crabby attitude, my weak & mealy heart, and turned me to face the day as a reflection of a good, kind, loving God. I managed to express my appreciation to one of my teachers today. I got to share dinner with friends, followed by ice cream in the park. I laughed much. I was surprised by friends in town from New York. I cried tears of grief for suffering friends and I cried tears of pure joy. I know a Father who knows me, who understands my suffering, who knows the darkness of my heart, and who loves me endlessly and with joyful abandon. Hallelujah!

Is it Friday yet?

2010-07-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a long week--and it's only Wednesday. I guess if I were assessing the last seven days, LONG would be a good assessment. I mean, most of it was good, but there was a lot going on.

In the last 7 days, I have driven to & from Dallas, to & from Austin, and about 400 more miles around town. I have had several nights with fewer than four hours sleep, sandwiched between days full of activity. Thirty-one family members travelled in from out of town, in addition to the seven who already live here, all to witness a wedding that no one really believed should happen.

Here's the deal--the wedding happened. Now it's time to pray that the Lord pursues the heck out of them and changes hearts in major ways. Just pray and pray and pray and pray. I have rarely seen so many graceless relationships as I did at this wedding. I would be completely devastated if I didn't know and trust that the Lord pursues us 1-in His timing and 2-when we are unlovable.

Now, the good news. We had fun visits all around. I had good times with sisters and parents and brothers and nieces and nephews and friends. Plus, there was amazing food, 6 a.m. coffee dates, and lots of babies (big and small) to love on. I didn't take a single photo. I'm counting on a few good peeps to send photos my way. At this point, I am not in a position to buy a new camera, so I am at your mercy--if you've got photos, please share :) Here is one that has come my way--it's pretty fun...

If you can believe it, the big kid is cousins with the little kid she's holding. My nieces & nephews are growing into adults and I'm missing so much of it. I am pretty proud of them...as a group of young adults they are turning out pretty okay. The other good news is that the laughing we did in this photo was accompanied by much more laughing over the weekend.

By Monday, I was really thankful that I had the forethought to take the extra day off work. I was T-I-R-E-D. On top of that, my sweet Junnah puppy died sometime between Sunday night & Monday morning. She will be missed...she was super-sweet. That event was not how I wanted to start my week.

Okay--some good news...I promise there is some...our church plant here in Temple has a place to worship--and it's only about a mile from my house. After five years of commuting lots of miles to church, our new worship site will be within walking distance of my house :) Yeah! In a few weeks we're going to start doing Sunday worship right here. God has certainly blessed our city & I have been praying for Him to show us how best to serve the city. Also, my friend Mandi asked me to speak at the Survivor's dinner for the ACS's Relay for Life. The dinner is in September, the overnight walk is usually within a month or so of that. I told Mandi I'd speak, now I am searching for what I want to share. The dinner is sometime in late September, so I guess I have some time to decide what I want to share. Last thing--I applied to get licensed to do foster care. Who knows what will happen with that, but if all goes well, I could have foster placements by Christmas--that would be a change of pace for sure!

Last thing--I told my boss today that coming back from vacation I had to preach to myself that I didn't hate my job, but that I really loved vacation. I am tired. Unlike most people, I am looking forward to the end of summer, the quiet-ness to return to my days. I miss being able to check things off my to-do list.

Here's hoping the next seven days are less eventful, and more full of God.

Time marches on

2010-07-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

Pick a number between, say, 1 and 10. Now, think back that number of years. What in your life is different from that long ago? At Debby's the other night, we talked about six years. After hearing about all that has happened in Debby's family in six years, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to try for my life.

I thought about listing all of the things that are significant, but I don't have the time, the energy, or the memory to list them all. The thought that sticks with me is how grateful I am for that passage of time. You have beautiful kids that weren't around six years ago. I have friendships now that are so much richer because of the passage of time. I also have friends I've made in the last six years that I cannot imagine my life without. I have seen friends move away, families grow, and sometimes, I've seen hearts break. I have learned how to love more fully, to cry with the grieving, to laugh with abandon, and that it is perfectly okay to sit in silence.

In those six years, I have changed jobs, survived cancer, bought a house, learned vulnerability, and missed family far away. I have watched life slip away and miraculously return, and I have stood on the precipice of heartbreak and stepped away stronger and more hopeful. I have learned that God's promises are real, doubted them, and then seen them fulfilled in the most faith-filling way.

Here's to more years, to time passing, and taking time to appreciate what each day brings. If the last six years have taught me anything, it is that we cannot know what the Lord has in store. We should shout joyfully about this day that He has made, and love the ones we spend it with in whatever way we can.

Spring is Here!

2010-03-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

It's early enough in the morning that the sun isn't quite fully awake. I've got my first, most essential, cup of coffee close at hand, and I can hear birds waking the neighborhood just outside my window. I love spring. I cannot wait for everything to be in full bloom. A couple of weeks ago, I went against my own common sense and started planting--lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and some pretty flowers. I could hear my mom's voice in my head, "Don't plant until after Easter. You'll miss most freezes." But I couldn't resist. It had been in the 70s for more than a week--surely that meant it was safe to plant, right? I planted on a Sunday (thanks, Kari--I wouldn't have done it without you!), and the following Saturday it was threatening to snow, or freeze, at the very least.

Fortunately, the nasty weather that affected almost everyone else I know missed my area. It got colder, and rained some, but it did not freeze. Knowing what I do about my yard and my soil, that does not give me any reason to think that everything that was planted will grow, but it does leave me to wait and hope...looking for new life in my yard. Anyone who watches me leave for work in the morning would wonder what I'm doing, carrying my lunch, and my gym bag, and my coffee--wandering around the yard, searching for signs of new life. If you see me, please know I didn't get lost on the way to the car, I am just anticipating what's to come.

Right now, I think I am anticipating all good things. Work is getting more manageable. I'm "getting over myself" and reconnecting with my life. My friends all still have time for me. Exciting things are happening all the time. I love spring--it reminds me of what's to come.

2010-03-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

Okay--a quick update for you. The new job is challenging. Things are going well, but I am working a ton of hours, just trying to keep up with the demands of a growing business. If I just had another me who could work 20-30 hours a week, I might actually get home at a decent hour a couple of times a week! I know someone else in Temple who is looking for workers--maybe that means the economy is improving here in my little corner of the world.

I have been fighting a cold since Friday, and I think the cold is winning. I have been taking Nyquil since Saturday night, and I love the fact that I sleep through the night. I cannot say it's making a big impact on the cold, but at least I'm getting some good sleep!

Reading became a revived obsession for me for the last few weeks. I hadn't ever finished the Harry Potter series, so I re-read books 4 and 5, then checked out books 6 and 7 from the library. I think I read all four books in about 3 weeks. It's hard to believe sometimes that I live in this world and not the world of Harry Potter. I did enjoy the books. I guess when you wait two or three years to read a good book, it's much easier to find in the library!

Tomorrow night, I will finish the first draft of my first book, being written with my friends Daniel and Lee Ann. It is exciting and scary, to see months and months of hard work being sent out to have our editors read it. What if they don't like it? What if they want us to change too much? What if the book is really bad? Have I set too much hope in MY opinion of the book? I think I must not be alone in those fears--we worked on the last page of the book for hours at our last meeting, and still couldn't come up with a good ending. Hopefully tomorrow night will be more productive!

That's about it from here. Work-check. Reading-check. Writing-check. The only thing I haven't mentioned is cooking. I pulled out a cookbook I've had for about 11 years and have been trying to cook 2 new recipes a week. So far, they're okay. If I find one that's awesome, I'll be sure to share it here. Thanks to my friend Mandi, I have a new obsession with cupcakes. She taught me how to make chocolate souffle cupcakes with a white chocolate-whip cream frosting, (from smitten kitchen) and since then I have been obsessed. They're delicious, but you've been warned!

Have a great day!

I promised

2010-02-04T21:51:00.001-08:00

I had dinner & coffee after work tonight. It's the first time in 4 days I've had the energy or the time to do anything after work. The job change has meant several very LONG days, but I think things are settling down a bit. During the coffee, I mentioned to my friend Jamie that I would blog about a couple of different things. Of course, it's approaching midnight now and I can only remember one thing I told her I'd write about. It made me laugh for quite a few minutes earlier tonight...I hope it does the same for you.

So, three of us were sitting in Starbucks. We were talking about life and books and who knows what else, when one of the ladies noted that there were an awful lot of babies in Starbucks all of the sudden. (One guy had just walked in with twin babies...still itty bitty, and one family pulled a slightly older child out of a laptop case or something, because seriously, one moment no baby, then suddenly there she was...anyway...)

I thought maybe it was one of Starbucks genius new marketing plans--
"Free baby with your coffee purchase. If you place your order inside, we include the car seat!"

OR

"With all of this coffee you're going to be up all night anyway, might as well have some company with this BRAND NEW BABY!" (think Bob Barker on The Price is Right--you'll get the enthusiastic inflection.)

Okay, so maybe it's not a good marketing idea, but you just can't ever be too sure what might work, right?

Writing and Writers

2010-01-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

In case you don't know me, I love words. I love how people can turn a phrase into something amazing and lovely. I love to write. Turns out it is very therapeutic...who knew? Recently I have had several different people tell me I should "be a writer." This is a hard concept for me to take one. Because I write, I am a writer. What else can I be?

I think my friends who were encouraging me to be a writer were thinking I would do it for money. I don't know anyone who ever really was great at something they just did for money. I write for lots of reasons--I can't sleep, I am pondering things, or my brain is too full and needs a download of sorts--but I wonder how I can turn those musings into something real, something meaningful. Any suggestions? Where does one even start "becoming" a writer?

Church Testimony from October, 2009

2010-01-06T19:44:00.001-08:00

So, here it is, after much delay. Please bear in mind that there is much more light now than there was as I wrote this testimony for church.

Life is full of darkness. Death, disease, disaster....we have all faced them. It is in these times that I usually turn to God. I answered God's call shortly after my brother died in 2001. When my niece was very ill two years ago, the Lord was a great comfort. I though that was how I'd feel in any darkness.

In May of 2009, darkness landed on my doorstep. I hadn't felt well for several months, but, like many women who are busy with other things, I let it go. One afternoon at work, the physical pain was too great to ignore, and I finally made an appointment with my doctor.

The news was not good. I had huge masses on my ovaries and was scheduled for surgery the next day. During that surgery, I had a complete hysterectomy, and over 25 pounds of "suspicious" tumors and fluid removed.

Two days later, my doctor's worst suspicions were met. I had cancer. AND I'd lost any chance of having kids. It was TOO MUCH. I wasn't sure which was worse...a disease that had invaded my body, or my dearest hope--dashed.

My family & friends kicked into an all-too-familiar caretaker mode. Schedules were re-arranged, my Mom came down from Missouri...we were suddenly connected over something no one wanted. I had phone calls and text messages, and very little energy to deal with them. When people asked how I was doing, I kept saying, "God will take care of this," but I'm not sure I believed it.

For me, that was the heart of my darkness--being able to speak the truth, but not quite believing it. My physical pain was overshadowed by a noticeable lack of comfort in God.

I tried, I really did. My bible went everywhere I went. I read it, but I didn't feel any connection to it, or its promises.

I have often heard, and said, that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If, throughout this ordeal, I had been angry at God, it would have made sense. People often commented about how calm I was. I think they saw grace and acceptance, but in truth, it was indifference. I just didn't have any interest in God. I did not think God had abandoned me, rather, I was completely indifferent to Him.

I remarked to several friends, at different times, that it was a good thing that I knew God loved me, because I wasn't too fond of Him. This went on for weeks. Finally, with one friend, I followed it up with a question, something along the lines of "What do I do? How do I change how I feel about God?" My friend directed me to the Psalms. He reminded me that many of them were written in times of deep despair. Somehow, that light came through the darkness and revealed my heart.

Then Jeff (my amazing pastor!) started preaching from Psalms. Then another friend read to me from Psalm 73, v. 21 "my heart was grieved, I was like a beast before God..." That's how I'd been feeling! Thankfully, she did not stop reading there, she went on to verses 23-24, and reminded me that "God is continually with me...His counsel guides me...I am His." Much like Abraham in the Old Testament, God was with me, seeking me out, even though I was a sinner, lost in my own darkness.

God's light became more clear to me then. I was able to look back and see God's light in the family and friends who had gathered around me during my treatments. The light became evident to me in the meals provided, the cards and letters I'd received, and the countless small acts of love in between. At long last, I was able to see what Psalm 130 refers to as "the Lord's mercy, His abundant redemption."

On October 27th, I was told I am cancer free. It would seem that the darkness is being overtaken by the light.

This is not to say that worry won't creep in occasionally, that the sadness of not being able to have kids won't be a companion in the days to come. When those times come, I trust that the light of Christ that has been revealed to me so clearly in the last several months will once again be a comfort and a certainty I can rest in.

What has been, and what's to come

2009-11-30T21:01:00.000-08:00

It has been entirely too long since I've written anything on here, and for that, I apologize. I was supposed to be writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November, but I got stuck around 3400 words. I intend to get unstuck, but since I have just entered the final hour of November, I am pretty sure it's not happening this month. There's always December, right???

Since my last post, I learned I am cancer-free! I got the all-clear on October 27th, and it was an amazing day. I know those words seem feeble, but I'm really trying to settle into this new ordinary of not being sick. Who knew it would be a struggle? I also had that bothersome port removed since I last posted. Turns out the bugger had just come right apart inside of my abdominal cavity. My doc performed a simple surgery on November 16th, and out it came. Yeehaw! I spent a week recovering from that surgery, then spent a week on the road visiting family for this exceptional Thanksgiving. Like in many years past, I spent Thanksgiving wondering how I manage to take so much for granted in my life. There will be no more of that, thank you very much. The Lord has blessed me in amazing ways, and even through the past 7 months of struggle, I still know it is Him who carries me--always.

I started back to work today. I'm doing partial days this week to ease back into things. I think it will be good to have some normalcy again. Instead of working in Killeen, where I was back in May, I am being moved to help w/two centers, one in Waco, and one in Temple. It's very appropriate, considering the rest of my life is split between those two places. :)

My next post will be an unusual one. It is the text I intended to use for a testimony I gave at church at the end of October. (I say intended because, as is usual when I give a testimony, I think I know what I want to say but don't ever get it quite the way I write it. This time was no exception. I veered into a lot of places I didn't expect to go, and I cried the. whole. time. I. spoke. Seriously.) The women had a brunch, and our theme was "Light in the Darkness: Testimonies of God's Faithfulness." When I had Debby read what I'd written, she commented that "it sure seems like an awful lot of dark and not a lot of light." My response was something like, "It was dark." Something to indicate that I hadn't seen a lot of light for a while. Well, as I was writing, I forgot to mention some things that were light to me through the cancer ordeal, so I'll mention them here, just so no one thinks I completely missed those brief moments of light in all of this.

1-Anytime I got to go to MY church on a Sunday, there was light, delivered in the preaching, the praying, and the love I received. 2-God working by finding me that apartment in Houston...it clearly was done by His hand, and His perfect timing. 3-I sang a lot of hymns during these months. I struggled to read Scripture, I could hardly pray, but I could sing. My favorite was "Before the Throne of God Above." I still have the lyrics on my dresser and I sing bits and pieces of it most mornings. 4-Though I couldn't see it at the time, all of this helped me to identify idols. You know that first commandment that says, "you shall have no other gods before Me"??? Well, I found that I loved some things, at some times, more than I loved God. How is that light, you ask? In revealing what I treasured more than God, I was reminded that He still pours out His grace and mercy on me, more and more every day. As that truth sunk in, I learned (or am learning??) to put God where He belongs in my heart and in my life. 5--Finally, I learned the power of prayer. Not my own prayer, certainly. There were days my darkness was so deep and distressing that I didn't know how I'd make it through the day. Each time I'd hit that place, there was something outside of me that moved to make things manageable. There were literally hundreds, and possibly thousands, of people praying for me, and those prayers moved to keep me....was it calm? sane? or just moving through the days? Those prayers kept me from being hopeless, and for that I am grateful.

2009-10-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have an issue with my thoughts not being very clear when I have many of them. It's kind of like fast forwarding through a song, and though parts of it are recognizable, mostly it's just a jumble of stuff you can't quite place. That's how my mind has felt lately. I think it's starting to clear, though.

I go back to Houston in one week for imaging and the all clear from my doctor. I am really hopeful about these appointments, but there is also a lingering trepidation there. Is it possible to be hopeful and skeptical at the same time?

My sweet friend, DeeDee, came down for a visit from St. Louis last week. I got to see her last for about a day in April, so having here here for 5 days was really nice. We explored some of central Texas, including a winery that had been on my list for a while. Becker Vineyards near Fredericksburg is definitely worth a visit, just in case you're considering it :) DeeDee is one of those rare people I feel completely comfortable with, even if we're not talking at all. We drove quite a bit during her visit, and there were stretches of absolute quiet then, and it never got uncomfortable. There was also lots of talking...mostly from me. God love her, DeeDee is able to put up with my insanity as much as she is able to deal with silence. I am so thankful for her love and friendship.

After dropping DeeDee off at the airport last week, I had time to come home and work out. After working out, I stuck around my gym for a Zumba class...basically an aerobics class with more Latin rhythms. It was a blast! I think I should NOT work out before the next one, maybe I'd be able to keep up a little better.

I am trying to get more disciplined before going back to work. I am working on a budget, so I can pay off medical bills without breaking the bank. I am also trying to get my food & exercise on a more realistic and reasonable schedule. My goal is to go to Curves 5 times a week, and to walk at least 2 miles per day 6 times a week. I think if I do that, I will want to have more healthy choices in my diet. Any suggestions for healthy foods that will fit a tight budget and taste good? I'm looking for any and all ideas. Last time I was really health-conscious, I hardly cooked anything at all. I ate a lot of salads, fruits, and yogurt, with the occasional egg white mixed in there for protein. I'd like to learn how to cook for a healthy diet...I miss cooking (and I think if you asked Debby's kids, they'd tell you I've lost my touch, at least some days).

The last random thing I have swirling around in my brain is an event I went to last Saturday. It was the Waco Relay for Life. I have been a part of several other relay events in the past, mostly through Starbucks. The last one I went to was two years ago. I cannot remember thinking, at any of the events I've been to in the past, "gosh, I hope I can be a survivor at a relay some day." I cannot say I ever wanted to be associated with cancer in any way, much less look in the mirror and think, "I'm a cancer survivor." That may explain why, when I got the invitation to this year's Relay for Life events, I did not respond. I wasn't even sure I was going to go to the walk. I KNEW with certainty I wasn't going to walk all night. Saturday arrived, and it was a gorgeous day. I asked John and Lori if they wanted to come to Waco with me that night, so we headed off together. We arrived just prior to the walk's start, which is one lap around the track with just cancer survivors, and the 2nd lap is with survivors and their families. Thank goodness for my friend Mandi...she volunteers with the American Cancer Society, and was looking for me to arrive. When we got to the track, she stayed with Lori and John while I took the first lap with other survivors. I've gotta say, I still don't want to think of myself as someone with cancer, but since I can't do anything about it now, I'd much rather be a cancer survivor than the alternative. We only walked for about an hour and a half, but I am clearer now than before that I want to be a part of things like this...things that celebrate that people triumph over cancer rather than the other way around.

That's my brain dump for today. October 26th is when I go to Houston for imaging, then I get results from my doctor on the 27th. Please pray for me between now and then. I think the last thing I need is anxiety about those days and the results they'll bring. I go back to something Dr. Wolf said before I even started treatment....it was something to the effect of the best way to have success in chemo (?) and to prevent recurrence is to rid myself of stress. The best way I know to rid myself of stress is to pray...so I'm doing it and asking you to as well. I'll let you know when I have results!

Rhythm

2009-10-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

Round Six is over!

2009-10-02T05:22:00.001-07:00

Yahoo! My last round of chemo is over!!! After talking to my doctor yesterday, she agreed that though the issues I am having are related to cancer they are more likely side effects rather than signs of new badness going on. I had heard that side effects are typically cumulative, I have just been feeling so good that I had forgotten that. Dr. Wolf also said something that I was neglecting to take into account. She said that even though I mentally felt strong (can you imagine me ever saying that about myself??) that my body is still fighting a disease. So, I should keep working out, keep eating healthy, but not to expect the results I was getting before until this is all over. That made me feel much better.

In a few weeks, I come back to Houston for more imaging. Basically, any tools they can use to look at my body to determine that the cancer is gone, they'll use. After that, I come back every 3 months for a couple of years, then it goes to every six months after that. I am feeling hopeful that the new I will hear is good. I guess I can continue saying, "Look out world, I am feeling good!"

Update

2009-09-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

It has been quite some time since I've had anything of note to write here. My days have been pretty much the same....some exercise, some housework, then off to Debby's in the evenings. It has been great to feel useful for at least part of the day.

Tonight Debby and I are off to Houston for what I hope is my final round of chemo. I have two issues I need to let my doctor know about, and one or both could affect my treatment plan, but I am optimistic that this is my last round. If you would pray with me that my two issues are minor and unrelated to the cancer, I would really appreciate it.

I lost a friend to cancer today. Jason, who had been battling liver cancer for over a year, died today. He was about my age, was married to Sarah, and they have a 10 year old son, Max. Words are hard here. Yes, I know he is in a better place, but the days ahead will be hard on Sarah & Max. Then, there is the reality for me...people die from cancer every day. Reality is hard, and it's real.

I hope your week is full of blessings, and that you love on your family & friends a little extra this week!

This & That

2009-09-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Mental note for future reference...do not, I repeat, DO NOT, attempt multiple workouts per day in the days just after chemo. If you could help me remember that, that would be great.

Over the weekend we had perfect weather for just lying around & being lazy. The days were gray and rainy, and the nights were cool. I think our warmest temperature was less than 85 degrees, so we even turned off the a/c...a real feat in September here in Texas!

Although the weather was inviting me to be lazy, I tried to fight it. After Curves and ballroom dancing on Friday, I attempted Curves and walking on Saturday. Boy, did I pay for it. My body hurt...not just in the joints or muscles where I'd expect it, but it hurt all over. You know it's bad when you lay down and your skin hurts from just touching the couch or the pillow--it makes sleeping pretty tough. I know it's not from the exercise that I hurt, but from the chemo. One of the meds I get is made from platinum, and its primary side effect is muscle and joint stiffness. I guess I thought if I ignored it or battled it, it wouldn't affect me. Ha. Ha.

Sunday, I gave in a little bit. I made it to church, had lunch with some sweet friends, then maxed myself out by watching some NFL and napping. In case you didn't know, NFL games are the perfect background noise for a nap, especially if one of 'your' teams isn't playing :) Later in the evening I walked the dogs...not a workout type walk, but a leisurely, 'let's go appreciate the neighborhood park' type walk. A good sabbath day, for sure!

So far this week has been fairly routine. Home & workouts during the mornings/early afternoons, to Debby's in the evenings. Last night I spent the later part of the evening at my friends' house, working on a book we started months ago. I won't tell you all about it here, but I should note that you will LOVE this book. We've been working on outline & plot for a while, but last night we actually started writing the pages of the book, and it is lovely. The book is designed for kids, but I think adults will enjoy it, too. I know I do!

All right, I'm off to do something productive. I hope your day goes well!

Round 5-Check

2009-09-12T10:30:00.001-07:00

Round 5 of chemo is now over! I think I took two photos to commemorate the event, I will try to post them soon. I am thankful for Debby taking the time to come with me to Houston & sitting with me through the hours of chemo. We did a few other fun things to pass the time. Between appointments on Thursday, we walked back & forth from the clinic to the hospital a few times. Rumor has it that it's about a quarter of a mile each way (on their fancy, air-conditioned catwalk) so I think we got a least a mile of walking in. The trips back & forth were to get a wig (dark brown, longer hair than I have had in quite a few years, but the most "normal" looking I tried on) and to go to a scarf-tying seminar I had wanted to visit on each trip, but had somehow missed until this week. It was worth going to, I learned the primary reason I couldn't get scarves to stay on my head was because I was folding them wrong...who knew?

We got back home Friday around 3. Since being home, I have worked out twice, had dinner with friends, and gone ballroom dancing. I am attempting to not take any of my post-chemo meds to see how I do without them, and so far so good. I am thinking about taking a nap now, but that may be because we have a beautiful gray day outside that I want to take advantage of. Ahhh, how I love the rain! Have a great weekend!

You Asked for It...

2009-09-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

I have had a couple of people ask why I haven't posted anything here lately, and I guess I'd have to say it's because things feel so normal that I don't think I have a lot to say. What follows are the highlights of my life since I last posted, in no particular order.

I started the "Couch to 5k" training program. The last time I started this, I was in much better shape. I am now in week 3 (out of 9 weeks), and though it is not hard yet, it is getting harder. I plan to run a 5k in DC with some of my sisters on November 8th, to celebrate the fact that my cancer is gone (which is what I am expecting to hear from my doctor before then). Ooh, and I hate that I just called it "my cancer." Can it be THE cancer instead? I'd like that...then no one has to own it and it can just go away. Anyhow, back to how I was in better shape...For two years (prior to May '09) I had really focused on getting healthy by exercising and eating right. Sometime in the last year, I got this wild hair that I should be able to run a 5k. For as long as I can remember, I have hated running/jogging--anything faster than a walk was just detestable. However, I told myself that since I was 50 pounds lighter than I used to be, it wouldn't be so bad. And it wasn't. I was strong and healthy, with the muscles to prove it, and jogging wasn't my favorite thing, but it wasn't horrible either. This time around it is different, I haven't really been exercising since May, and the jogging seems much more daunting...but I'm doing it. Yay!

I have been baking. Nice choice to go along with the jogging, right? I don't have to be healthy all of the time. I have tried out some family favorites, as well as some new recipes with potential. Thank God I have not been eating all of these baked goods myself. I have been sharing with Debby's family. If you'd like to get in on the action of free baked treats, all you have to do is show up at Debby's house in the evenings and try it out. For family--Mom's Gooey Butter Cake recipe from the family cookbook was a HUGE hit! The biggest hit, though, were brownies I wanted to make, but didn't have all the ingredients for...so I modified, and modified a little more, and then I frosted the brownies just in case they didn't taste quite right, and everyone who had them loved them. I have tried to recreate the recipe, but I guess I lost the touch, because I haven't been able to get them quite like that again.

I have seen lots of friends. I got up to Greenville to see my friends, the Fields. I have had a couple of lunches and dinners with friends (mostly after church on Sundays) to keep up with their goings-on. I am walking later today with my friend, Jennifer, for the 2nd time. I spend weekday evenings still with Debby and her kiddos, helping with homework and making supper. I love having someone who is counting on me, and to feel at the end of the day I have contributed something.

What else???? I have been walking the dogs several days a week, and I may have learned the way to keep those giant chocolate labs from pulling my arms off when we walk. I organized my guest room closet/storage area, I re-organized a few of my kitchen cabinets, I cleared the storage shelf in my garage so I can find stuff when I need it, and I've been playing tennis a couple nights a week with Jimmy. I have been to church two Sundays in a row, and feel blessed to be able to be there and hear the Word preached and to have fellowship with my church family. Plus, this past Sunday I even made it to Bible study here in my little neighborhood. I am glad to see our little church plant growing into something more....who knows what God has in store for us????

My apologies to you who did NOT ask what I've been up to. Sorry you had to read this far just to learn that the past few weeks have been very regular & non-eventful. I am thankful for that, most of the time. I occasionally feel tired (or lazy?), but mostly I feel good. I head down to Houston tonight with Debby. We'll stop in College Station to see Angie & have dinner, then we're staying a couple of nights in a hotel the American Cancer Society found for us, for FREE--praise God! I will try to keep you more updated so you don't have to ask to hear my ramblings.

Have a great day!

A confession and a genius

2009-08-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

So, I have a confession to make. It's not bad, and probably not surprising, but I thought I'd better come clean. When I was home last, and in pain from the complications with my port, I got really depressed. I didn't feel like I could exercise, and I didn't have a schedule to keep, so I just sat around at home and sunk into myself. Now, this would be understandable (in my mind) if I was depressed about having cancer. But, I wasn't depressed about that, I was depressed about not feeling productive, about feeling like I had nothing to offer.

Through my years of working, I have often daydreamed about NOT working, about being able to be at home and be really productive, spending my days doing what I love. As it turns out, I don't do that. What I do when I don't work is nap and watch TV. Not much for productivity, huh? I am lazy by nature, and when you add that to the fact that I am in pain, I do NOTHING. (This is not an exaggeration.)

When I saw my oncologist last week, I got the news that the pain at my port site should reduce over time, in addition to the fact that she was switching me over to strictly IV, outpatient chemo. The change in my mental state has been great, not to mention that the side effects after only IV chemo were much less than with the combination I was having before. Mom helped move me out of the Houston apartment on Sunday, and we were home fairly early in the afternoon. My worst day for side effects was Monday, when I felt tired during the morning. Mom ran some errands then, and I rested, and I felt better when she got home. That evening, we went to Debby's for dinner, and to find out how the kids' first day of school had gone. While we were there, I helped with homework and filling out paperwork that the school had sent home.
I know it seems minor, but doing that helped me to feel like my day had served some purpose.

Let me mention here that in addition to being the world's best Mom, my mom is also a genius. She told Debby that I'd been feeling less than productive, and that maybe I could spend a few hours each evening helping out with the kiddos. Debby and I both thought that was a good idea, so this week, that is what I did.

I spent my mornings taking care of things at my house, then spent the afternoons helping with homework and dinner at Debby's. You have no idea how it has changed my week. Instead of sitting around my house feeling sorry for myself, I have exercised, organized, and kept up with my house, not to mention what I'm doing at Debby's. In college I noticed that I used my time more effectively when I was busy, and this just proves it again. I have made a list each morning, and most days, I have crossed everything off my list.

So, thanks, Mom, for giving us the genius idea that my time and Debby's family might benefit from one another. You're the best!

To do list

2009-08-21T08:25:00.001-07:00

Yesterday's chemo finished without a hitch. Mom and I were back at the apartment by 9pm and we were both able to get a good night's rest. So far today, we've had breakfast and coffee, and we're going to go out and run a few errands.

Also on the list today is to call the church I am renting the apartment from and let them know it will be free again after this weekend. I just hope it as much a blessing to the next family that uses it as it has been for us. Now I will have to start thinking ahead when we come down for treatments and get a hotel, plan for food, etc.

I feel better today than I have on any other day after chemo. It is nice to not feel like my belly is full of several gallons of liquid, and that I can walk upright. I may get tired today, but right now I am so thankful to feel as well as I do that I can't think of anything else.

This Treatment

2009-08-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

I did see my oncologist today, and she said that I can do the remaining part of my chemo on a strictly outpatient basis! Yay! No more waiting for admission to the hospital, no more treatments in the middle of the night, and no more paying for an apartment...what blessings! Thanks so much to those of you praying with me about this.

I am receiving my IV chemo now. Though I don't have a TV on in my room, I can hear two shows. I am also overhearing one man's conversation with someone at his work, and apparently something is not going well, because he sounds upset. It must be difficult to try to manage your own health needs, work, and try to figure out how still to provide for your family. I am so thankful, in this moment, for my own stresses and concerns, because I don't think I would cope well with anyone else's.

During the visit with my doctor, she told me that unless the pain in my port area gets worse, she plans to leave it in until after my treatments are over, then pull it. I am hoping it doesn't get worse, because I am not having any fun with it right now. I miss feeling like I can exercise and get a really good workout. I am gaining weight, and not that that is everything, but I certainly don't like it! I thought chemo was supposed to cause you to lose weight. So much for that! I am trying not to worry over little things, but often it feels like the little things are the only things I can control. Having the discipline TO control them, now there's my problem...

I'm off, for now. Have a great day!

Changes?

2009-08-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with the Nurse Practitioner in my oncologist's office. We have been talking this week about the complications with my port, and there is a possibility it may no longer be useful. If that is the case, I would no longer need to be admitted to the hospital for treatments and I could do my remaining treatments as an outpatient.

For me, that means more time at home, and potentially giving up the apartment in Houston. That would ease a great financial burden. Not that finances are a primary concern, but they are a concern nonetheless. I would appreciate prayer as this could change a lot of things for me.

My primary goal is still to rid my body of this cancer and have it never return. If that can be done with easing financial pressure, that would be ideal. Pray that the doctor is wise in her treatments, and that I would rest in what God has for me, even now.

Thanks.

This week

2009-08-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a quiet week here at home. I did go to church last Sunday, and it was refreshing to visit with friends. Throughout the week I've seen a few friends, but mostly stayed close to home. The pain around the messed-up port remains, but today, finally, it wasn't as bad. Honestly, I am looking forward to seeing the doctor on Thursday to find out what exactly this problem is and how to resolve it. The most fun part of my week was having Angie & John come over 3 nights (and Deann once) to play tennis. We would go to the local courts after the sun went down and just hit the balls around. None of us is very good, but it was still fun to get out and do something normal. I am hoping they'll come again before I go back to Houston.

For a couple of days I have had a swollen gland in my neck, and a little bit of a sore throat. I have been keeping an eye on my temperature, and I haven't run a fever, so I've been laying low at home since early Friday. I considered going to the local emergency room to have someone take a look at me, but after my last ER experience (7 hours of waiting in various rooms, then being sent home with no answer to why I'd had fever in the 1st place), I opted to self-monitor. Part of that decision was also being aware of how many "more sick" people I would encounter while waiting in an ER than just hydrating and resting at home. After ten hours of sleep last night, I have felt much better today, and even made something new for lunch and baked brownies just so I'd have something to do.

I have done a lot of reading this week, and am starting a new book tonight. I've also been watching DVDs of "Boston Legal," (thanks Dad for loaning them to me). Though I had only seen one episode of the show before this week, I see why people like it and may actually try to figure out when it's on...any ideas?

I hope you have had a good week and would love to know what fun things you have been doing while I have been laying low.

I love Sundays!

2009-08-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned how I love Sundays? In the 11 months since I left Starbucks, Sunday has certainly become my favorite day. It was always close to my favorite day before leaving Starbucks, but since staff liked to "be sick" on many Sundays, I would often spend the day in dread of having to do some sort of work most Sundays. Even if I didn't end up having to work, the dread of it was just as bad as actually working.

Anyway, for the last 11 months, Sunday has developed a nice, relaxing routine. It starts with going to bed on Saturday night, which can be anytime I want. If that means 9pm, so be it, but it can also mean 3am, it just depends on how I feel. You see, the routine of Sunday is that I can sleep until nearly 9am if I need to, so I can do whatever I want on Saturday night...it is great. Sundays I set my alarm for about 845, shower, have breakfast & coffee, and drive to Waco for church, which starts at 10.

After church, I'll either have lunch with friends in Waco, or go see Debby and crew for the afternoon. Sometime in the late afternoon, I usually have a nap, then cook something fun for dinner. Since I have had so much leisurely sleeping in and napping, Sunday dinners can be quite late, which is just fine. I usually splurge and have something delicious for dessert on Sunday night, too. Just the feather in my cap I need on Sunday night.

So, you see, I love Sundays. I am in the middle of one right now and I am so content. I just thought you should know.

Ahhh...

2009-08-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am home. And it feels so good. I'm not unpacked yet, must save something for tomorrow! Sweet dreams!

Plan B

2009-08-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

So, it's Friday. Normally Fridays after treatments I feel pretty gross. Not so today. It could have something to do with the fact they could only infuse half of my chemo yesterday because again there was an issue with my port. After sitting for 6 hours in the infusion suite, getting chemo pumped in (we thought), I asked the nurse how much longer it would take. She took a look at the site, and saw that there was some swelling around the port and chemo was done for the day. Normally something like that would totally bum me out because it off-sets the value of the time (all this time and chemo is not done!) and affects the total number of treatments for me (I only got 17 1/2 and not 18 doses!). Instead of being bummed about it, I've decided to look at this as something God has planned for me.

Clearly, if this was something God was going to throw up as a roadblock, it just means I need to wait and pray and trust in Him to solve whatever this is. I can do that.

Plus, two of my sisters and my niece are here, so we are going to go to a movie & have fun today, which doesn't leave me any time to worry or fret. After the movie, we are going to have an apartment-cleaning extravaganza so that when I head back to my "home-home" this evening, my "home away from home" will be clean and crisp and ready to welcome back when the time comes.

Onward...

Tough Night

2009-08-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

I had a tough night in the hospital last night. About 1 a.m., I noticed my port was leaking where they were putting in chemo. (Any leaking around a needle is bad news, this I have learned.) So, I called my nurse, she shut off my chemo, and started calling other people into the room. I think the fullest I got was 4 nurses and one doctor, conferring over what was to be done. Did I mention this started at 1 in the morning???

By 315 or so, it was decided that no damage had been done by chemo poison leaking into tissue it didn't belong, so IV team nurses were called to re-stick me and start all over. By 4 this morning, chemo was running again, but no one was content to let me rest while it pumped, so I was checked on every 30 minutes or so by either a doctor or a nurse. Disastrous sleep (more like no sleep) ensued until 8 or so, when I finally gave up and decided to be awake for the day.

I believe there were visits by 2 more teams of doctors before breakfast or coffee could be consumed. Notice here that coffee is considered a separate meal, more by necessity than anything else. Debby came down to the hospital (she was in town with her family to see the new baby and take her two youngest to camp) to help me understand any special instructions because I was afraid I wouldn't retain anything in my sleep-deprived mind. What a gift! She got me home around 230 this afternoon, and I showered and slept blissfully for 3 hours. Mom is here now, making sure I am taken care of until Judy comes for the later part of the week and my last dose of chemo this round.

Pray for me that I don't have any lasting side effects from the leaking port going forward. If there are complications, it could cause infection, which could lead to needing to replace the port, which would mean another surgery. I am hopeful that will not be the case, but I would appreciate your prayers for this as well. Thanks!

Go out, be blessed!

2009-08-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

"Only the mysterious is eternal. I prefer to feel this life rather than to grow foolish enough to believe I own it. "--Marlena De Blasi

"But to the other realm, alas, what can be taken? Not the power of seeing, learned here so slowly, and nothing that's happened here. Nothing."--Rainer Maria Rilke

"Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly." 1 Peter 2:18-19

"To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation." 1 Peter 4:12-13

I woke early this morning, and reading seemed to be a good way to start the day. It was a difficult decision--reading or coffee first--but reading won this morning.

One of my friends noticed the other day that though hair started falling out of my head, I still had eyebrows & eyelashes, hair on my arms, etc. It got me to thinking about why. That thinking got me a little anxious about the effectiveness of chemotherapy. Maybe in some weird way, my body is resistant to chemo. Maybe the fact that this poison is not killing hair follicles indicates that it also is not killing the cancerous cells in my body. I bet you can see where this leads. For a couple of days, there has been silly fear rolling around in my head, which has made me less able to focus on other things.

This morning, I woke up in my hospital room with the realization that somehow that fear was gone. How silly of me to think my body would respond in a typical manner. Very little about me is typical, why would I expect my reaction to chemo be "by the book"?

So, the passages above spoke to me this morning. I still want to live my life, to feel things, to savor and enjoy what comes my way. I sometimes see cancer as an unjust master, a fiery ordeal, and 1 Peter was a good reminder that though we are not promised life will be easy, it can be made easier through trusting in the Lord's care for us. Also, it reminded me that I am called to bless others, because I know God is caring for each and every situation, good or bad, and that blessing is constantly to be shared.

It's not easy, but I am so thankful I was reminded of all of this as I start my day.

A Great Week

2009-07-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

Again, I spent the past weekend at home, and managed to write very little. I'd apologize for that, but I had too much fun to really be sorry!

I got to spend several days with Debby and her family, went ballroom dancing, had 3 different meals at friends' homes, and a whole slew of other fun things. I didn't even mention how relaxing it was to see my dogs, take them walking, and visit with my neighbors.

I feel so blessed to have felt so good when I was at home. I had energy every day, didn't need naps, and I got to see lots of my friends. The only downside was that I didn't sleep very well at night, but it was well worth the trade off for all the fun I had.

Now I'm back in Houston, ready to start round 3. It's hard for me to believe that in 9 days I'll be halfway through chemo. I can only hope the 2nd half goes as well as this first half has gone so far.

Feeling the Love

2009-07-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

What a great day today has been. Do I say that every day? I am not apologizing if I do, just wondering.

I realized today, perhaps for the first time, what amazing support I have from my family and friends. I have it all the time, I'm sure, but I certainly notice it more now than ever.

One book I've been reading, Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips, has a whole section on support groups. There are groups whose volunteers will write you little notes, another place where you can connect with people with the same type of cancer you have, and the list goes on and on. I have done a little bit of web research, and none of these groups appeal to me. For a while, I wondered if I was just in denial, as if being affiliated with others who have cancer would make it too real for me. Now, I just think those groups don't appeal to me because I have so much support around me already.

I have had, among other things, people come clean my house, bring me meals and snacks, send countless letters, cards, and prayers, in addition to the family who've been flying or driving in to take care of me on each step of this journey. When people ask how I am, I am honestly able to tell them that I am doing well. It's not a false optimism, I am not trying to protect the people who love me...it's that I am truly as good as I could hope for.

Tonight I took both dogs for a short walk and stopped to see some friends a few blocks over. Lisa kept telling me she couldn't believe how good I look. I think she was probably just referring to how amazing I look with no hair, but I am taking it as an overall "looking good." When I feel good enough to exercise every day (well, for 3 days in a row, anyway), I must be doing well!

This is my way of saying thank you. I know I am being lifted up in prayer. I know I am loved, from near and far. It is a great thing, to have so much support that I don't think I need more. Thanks!

My 100th Post

2009-07-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

There is nothing exciting to note, but you are reading anyway. Thank you. I realized in a message sent earlier that I am now one of "those people" who overuse exclamation points. In a five sentence email, I used exclamation points on four of them. I must be really excited most of the time. When did that happen?

It is great to be home. I took a 30 minute walk last night (and even sprinkled in a bit of jogging), and on the way stopped to say hi to neighbors I had met a couple of months ago. It felt awesome to actually recognize people on my street, unlike in Houston where everyone I meet is a stranger. The only people who know me in Houston are my brother's family and the medical staff at MD Anderson. When I finished my radiation treatments yesterday, the receptionist seemed a little sad that I wouldn't be back. The folks at the clinic are friendly, but I cannot honestly say I am sad that I won't be seeing them again. I am ready to be phasing out whatever treatments I can.

Today I am off to have someone look at the rear bumper of Debby's car that has to be replaced because of a fender bender in a parking lot, and I think if I don't go do it now, it won't get done today. My drive home last night was uneventful. I got to talk to Tracey for about 40 minutes, and it sure made the drive seem way shorter than it normally does. Before my last treatment yesterday, I got to pick up Missy and Frannie at the hospital and deliver them home for the first time. It was so sweet to watch the older sisters' faces light up to see their Mom, and again to see Frannie. The oldest sister, Lucy, is only two years old, but she is totally in love with her baby sister. She holds her, touches her face, and pats her hand. I think if she were big enough she would take charge of that new baby and no one else would ever have a chance to love on her. It is so sweet to watch.

One of my sweet friends came and cleaned my house for me. When I walked in the door last night, it smelled so clean and looked so nice I could hardly believe it was my house. She had even washed my sheets and folded some clean clothes for me. What a blessing! Thanks, Sandy!

Have a great day, I know I will!

I feel good!

2009-07-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

For the first time in ages, I am tired from exercise and not because of a side effect. Praise God! I went out for a walk tonight and it felt great. Now I am just waiting for laundry to dry so I can make the bed and crawl into it for the night. This kind of tired feels so much better than the other.

I think I am going to go back to training for a 5k. As long as I can walk/jog 3 times a week, I should be ready to jog a 5k in 9 weeks. My goal is November 8th in DC for the "inaugural" conference of the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. The conference itself does not interest me, but running a 5k as a survivor really does. I think Mary & I are going to run it together. I am very excited! I know November is way further away than 9 weeks, but this gives me a little bit of cushion time to duplicate training weeks if I need to. The thought of exercising at this point releases about as many endorphins as an actual workout...that's got to be a good sign.

All right, time to check the laundry, sleep is calling....

2 Months

2009-07-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this week it has been about 2 months since I was diagnosed with cancer. How can time seem to move so fast and stand still at the same time? It's weird.

Since my diagnosis, I have learned a couple of helpful things about myself. I do not do well with lots of time on my hands. So, when my treatment is done, I either need to get back to work in a serious way, or adopt several children and pray the Lord provides for all of them (since I'll be too busy raising kids to work outside the home). Really, since I'm not married, I'm thinking the "get back to work" scenario works for me. I have also learned that I am a sucker for anything that doesn't require a lot of brain power. When I was a kid, I really thought I was pretty smart, but now I see myself for what I really am--given to what rewards me the most. As a kid, that was getting good grades in school. Today, that motivation is gone, so now I spend my time with the Food Network, easy fiction, and puzzles...not the stuff great minds are made of, I'm sure. The last thing I've realized in the past week is that I really need to get over myself. I'm not all that special, not all that unusual, not that extraordinary--people are not required to sit up and take notice just because I walk into a room. I love that you, the people who love me, have made me feel that way, but it's not actually true.

I would like to spend the next couple of months seeing past myself. I know there will be times of feeling really yucky, where all I can do is sleep and recover. Beyond those times, I want to be able to reach beyond myself, stretch my natural inclinations, become more of who the Lord is planning for me (and frankly, expecting me) to be. It seems like a lot to ask that of myself now. But if I'm not going to do it now, when will I?

I told Janice last week that I really think my cancer is gone. Every time I get blood drawn before chemo, the numbers are all moving in the right direction. I haven't struggled with infection, or with inordinate side effects. All of you who have prayed for God's healing for me, let me tell you, I think He has heard you. I think I am going to finish the next 4 rounds of chemo and after that I expect to be cancer free for the rest of my life. Period. God can do that. I want to be the person who trusts that and celebrates that every. single. day.

Oh, yes, the two month perspective. I'd say it's long enough to know what to expect, but too long to sit around and keep waiting for something different to happen. I don't want to be reckless or foolish. I still want someone here to make sure I'm okay after chemo, but I don't want to be helpless, either. If this is what 2 months feels like, what will 6 months feel like? I guess we will all just have to wait and see.

PS-Hi! I'm glad you're reading! You know who you are :)

Be Still...

2009-07-17T04:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking about 2 things. First, I wondered what it would take to get an ice maker in my home in Temple. I seriously love good ice. Second, I thought about the phrase, "Be still." Fortunately for you, dear reader, the "be still" won the battle of the brain.

Be still can be deceptive. It sounds almost like passivity, doing nothing. I don't think of it that way. I think of being still as being in the best state to hear what I should be doing, praying, considering, or contemplating next. Being still allows me to hear something besides, "You have cancer" when I feel lousy. Being still reminds me that I am not the only fighter in this battle--I have God, my family, my friends, and my very well-trained doctors and nurses in this battle--all of whom are battling it in their own mighty ways. Being still reminds me there is still blessing in quiet fellowship, in early mornings, and getting the chance to know others I would have never met.

So many people I read about are just ticked off when they hear they have cancer. I can't say I was thrilled, but I don't remember anger being my first response. I think I was shocked first, then a little scared. Fortunately, being still after my first surgery really helped me to hear the wisdom of all the people who love me, which got me to MD Anderson to start my treatment. Thank God I didn't stay scared. It's amazing to me how much being still can still move me.

I realize now that I am one-third of the way through my treatments (can I get a hallelujah!), I may have a lot more feeling icky, tired, and cranky to go. I probably will cry more. I will occasionally be less than sunshine-cheerful about what's ahead. I will definitely, though, spend some time being still. I know I will feel the Lord's hand guiding me in that stillness. I know I will hear your voices of love and concern and cherish them. I will probably still wake up thinking about having an ice maker in my home, because I still love some good ice! God Bless you today...spend some time being still.

So Sleepy...

2009-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy

2009-07-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been busy, probably not by most people's standards, but definitely by mine. I finished chemo in the middle of the night on Saturday (so technically Sunday morning), and at the end of it I felt pretty tired and yucky. There is a lot to be skipped in talking about pumping fun chemo poison straight into my belly. Let's just say it isn't bad until it's over. I finished w/chemo about 5am, but didn't get discharged until after 1pm. For whatever reason, writing up the right prescriptions and getting me out was low on the priority list. Ah, well...

Janice took me home after 1, and we stopped for Mediterranean food on the way home. The bonus with the icky belly chemo is that my appetite is way smaller. We were able to share a meal for one, and still had food leftover. I napped after lunch, and almost got caught up with what I missed in the night. I was able to sleep through the night last night, which was a blessing.

Today, we were optimistic that Missy would have her baby, so Janice and I arranged to have Janice here so Greg and Missy could go to her appointment. We just found out that Missy will be coming home tonight, no labor, no baby. I ended up going to my first radiation appointment on my own. I am still unbelievably tired, but survived the bulk of the day. The appointment with the radiation oncologist went fine, but slow. I was able to read more than 100 pages of my new library book in the down time. It's a good thing I brought it with me, otherwise you would have gotten an update about things that you probably don't really want to know about! I had an xray, some radiation therapy, so fun. Tomorrow is my only "non-appointment" day all week, so I am praying it will be restful and relaxing. It is also Janice's birthday, so we may do a fun Mexican fiesta for dinner.

I hope that you are having a great day!

"Tomorrow"

2009-07-11T04:50:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I optimistically mentioned that I would start treatment tomorrow (which is now yesterday). I think I will eternally be optimistic, which is not a bad thing in itself, but I am wondering how to inject more reality into these chemo rounds. To be fair, I DID get admitted to the hospital yesterday, but it was once again after midnight (but before 2 am) when the chemo started. I didn't fight the Benadryl so hard this time, and I think I was asleep before my nurse started the 24 hour drip. I woke up a few times in the night, but overall, I slept well--certainly better than my last stay in the hospital.

Instead of wasting the day waiting for "the call" from admissions, Janice and I decided to go out and do fun things until it was time to "come on down." And fun things we did...We went shopping, had coffee & lunch, got turned around trying to find Rice Village (aka more shopping), had dinner, and then finally found out I had a room around 6pm. We got here, checked in with the lovely folks in admissions, and now, just 13 short hours later, I'm talking to you.

The staff here has been gracious and accommodating, as usual. My nurse even made a pot of coffee before 6 this morning because (gasp!) none of the cafes in the hospital are open on weekends. Shocking! And, if you know me at all, you know that I can function about an hour after waking without coffee, but after that, I get uglier than normal (and meaner, too). I had a visit from a new oncology Fellow this morning. Can you say "cute doctor"? Don't worry, Chad's married, I won't try to make the moves on him. It wouldn't really be fair, after all, who can resist this bald head? Well, nearly bald, anyway :)

All right, my lovelies, I am signing off for now. It is nearly time for breakfast and I want to be ready. Leave me some love with your comments. I love knowing who's reading. Have a great day, I know I will!

Round 2...almost

2009-07-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Thursday night. I should be in the hospital, getting some good poison chemo pumped into my system. But, I'm not. There were no beds available today at the hospital, so instead of getting in early and getting things rolling with the chemo, Janice and I did a whole lot of nothing today. To be fair, I was the one who did a whole lot of nothing, Janice was actually productive.

I watched Food Network, napped, and ate. After waking up from my 2nd nap (yes, you read that right, I took two naps!), I got a call from the admissions folks at the hospital letting me know that there would not be a bed available for me today, but I would be "first on the list" for tomorrow. Instead of being cranky and annoyed by that, we decided we had time to see a movie and do something fun. Off we went, to see "The Proposal" and get groceries to make a Paula Deen recipe. You know breakfast is going to be good when it involves Paula Deen. How can you go wrong when a recipe includes heavy cream, butter, and croissants?

So, tomorrow I should have more of an update. It sounds like I will be in the same unit as before, which means I'll be able to see the nurses I liked from the last time around, which makes me happy. I will keep you posted about this round when treatment starts tomorrow.

Hair

2009-07-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

Today

2009-07-01T19:46:00.001-07:00

It has been a gorgeous day. Breakfast and lunch outside. Talked to Tim. Read some, watched a movie, had dinner with Jimmy, caught up with an old friend who's in town for the summer. Quiet day.

I started reading this book from Judy called Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips. I'm just a few pages into it, and I can already tell it's going to be a tough one to read. It's positive and uplifting, but it will require me to think about the fact that I do, in reality, have cancer. The author is chronicling the days just after her diagnosis. My reality is that I haven't really thought about MY cancer all that much. I've thought about treatment, about details, but not so much about how this can affect the rest of my life.

I do know that I intend my life to last quite a bit longer. Good news for me, not so sure about the rest of you who are going to have to put up with me.

June wrap-up

2009-06-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd close June with one more post. I didn't realize until today how much more I write when I am not at home. I guess at home I have so much to distract myself with that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what is going on or how I am feeling. I do know that I have felt pretty darned good here at home. With Mom here, I have wanted for nothing, and even got a few welcome surprises along the way.

One of those surprises was a new breakfast area at my house. Mom moved my furniture off the back patio, cleaned out my garage, and set things up so that if I want to eat breakfast outside, I can do it without fighting the dogs for my food. We ate out there this morning, the first day in nearly two weeks where it was still a bearable temperature at breakfast time. It was so pleasant! The sky was overcast and there was a nice breeze while we ate and watched the neighborhood wake up. Today's weather has been such a change from the white, flat, dry heat we have been having that it made this morning's breakfast even more special.

After breakfast, we had to get Mom to the airport and ready to head home. It was bittersweet for me. Obviously I want to feel well enough that I don't need someone here looking after me, but it means that Mom is gone. I feel great, and I've already talked to Mom once tonight, but my house is an odd kind of quiet...lonely. After dropping Mom off, I had a checkup with the doctor who did my first surgery, and she says I look healthy & well. I'll take that! This evening, my friend Jennifer drove down from Waco for dinner. It was so nice to see her, and even though the evening was pretty low key, I daresay we'd do it again.

Now, I am wondering what to do with myself for the rest of the week. I have a couple of library books to read, and one DVD to watch that is also on loan from the library. I am planning a small get together for Independence Day on Saturday evening, but other than that, I don't have a lot going on. Since my last treatment I have felt pretty well overall, but on Sunday I think I was asleep longer than I was awake. I didn't think I would be able to sleep on Sunday night because I slept so much during the day, but I rested without any problems. I guess what I hear about fatigue being a side effect of chemo is true after all. I fully expected to have lost my hair already by now, but so far I haven't. I tried on my new hat for Jennifer tonight, and we agreed (again) that it was cute enough to wear even if I keep all of my hair.

I have had lots of great mail and phone calls this week--reminders that so many people are loving me and praying for me from a distance. I feel that love every single day. Judy & her kiddos sent me a package with treats, books, and other fun things. I am still smiling as I sit here thinking about it. I am so loved!

Have a great day!

Home

2009-06-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

I promise

2009-06-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

End of round 1

2009-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm hanging out at MD Anderson for the evening. I know, you should all be jealous!

Mom and I got here for my final treatment of my first round this afternoon, and we're just relaxing in an infusion suite. Mom is working Sudoku, I am catching up on Facebook, and we're both listening to the TV from the next suite. Very calm.

This week has been mellow and I have felt better each day, what a blessing! I didn't realize it, but Sunday and Monday I was fatigued. When I felt so much better on Tuesday and Wednesday, I had a kind of "duh" moment when I realized how I'd felt wasn't a new normal, but instead side effects from the chemo. I am so blessed to know that the days of feeling icky definitely have an end date. I won't indefinitely feel nauseous and exhausted. Nice!

Here are a few high points from the week. We have visited Greg, Missy, and the girls a couple of times. I love it that Lucy knows me by name now, and Maggie wants to kiss me when she sees me. Mom and I are planning to cook lunch with/for that crew tomorrow. "That crew" has grown! Kelly and three of her kids came for a visit to Houston and are staying w/Greg & Missy. It was so great to see Kelly and the girls that I didn't even care if they got me wet when they hugged me. Kelly & family will stay here until Saturday then go stay w/her sister in law who lives further northwest in Houston. Mom has been getting to know her way around my neighborhood, as well as back & forth to Greg's. It is so nice to have someone else to do all the stressful Houston driving. Gotta love Mom! We have done some shopping, some cooking, and a lot of great visiting. I am amazed that I love Mom more and more every day, and that each day I feel like I learn some part of her life before I was a part of it. It's awesome!

I felt so good yesterday that Mom suggested we go out to dinner to celebrate. I perused some online menus and had to choose between Cafe Express and a Mexican place called Escalante's Mexican Grill. We ended up at the Mexican place and it was FANTASTIC! I think I know where I get my tasted for carbs and guacamole--I inherited those rightly from Mom! One recommendation--get an appetizer, then share an entree. They plated our entree on two plates so we didn't have to scrape or split anything on our own. Oh-and the tortillas are amazing. Mom and I are now determined to make delicious homemade flour tortillas--do you have a recipe we can use?

Today I had to have blood drawn pretty early, so after that was done we headed out to Greg's. I actually got into the pool and got some sun. We had yummy croissant sandwiches for lunch and I could have taken a nap, but just couldn't resist visiting with everyone else while they were swimming.

Now, I'm waiting to get my next dose of chemo. Right now I'm getting Benadryl in an IV, so if I haven't stopped making sense yet, I will soon. This is the last item on our list for tonight, and we're planning to make lunch at Greg's house tomorrow, and then HEAD HOME! I pray I will feel well enough to go to MY church on Sunday. Will you pray with me for that? Thanks for all your love & support!

Home again, Finnegan

2009-06-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

I had a great day today. Part of that could be attributed to the fact that it's the first in many days when I woke up in the morning and am going to bed at night. None of this medicine from midnight to 4 stuff--no, thank you!

Mary headed back to central Texas today, in preparation for her flight back home tomorrow. She left me safely ensconced at Greg & Missy's for a relaxing day of waiting for Mom to come back to Houston. I snacked, I napped, watched a bit of TV, and played a few rounds of online Scrabble with my friend Suzanne. At the end of the day I even got a giant bubble bath in the giant tub--no complaints from me!

Debby, Lori, & John came to Houston with Mom after Mary got home with the car. (You see, my car has a defunct transmission, so everyone who's coming to look after me is, for now, in Debby's car. Debby is driving the pickup truck that is usually Angie's, and Angie has the Saturn. How Ed is getting around is a complete mystery to me....farm truck, perhaps?)

Anyway, everyone made it in just fine, and after folding the laundry that I had taken to Greg & Missy's to wash (thanks, girls :) Mom brought me back to the apartment. Everything is unloaded & unpacked, plus the coffee is set up for the morning. All we have to do now is turn the pot on, and we'll be set!

All in all, it was a great day for me. I am tired, and as my friend Mike often says when I ask how he is, "I'm better than some and worse than others." I think that's a fair sum of the day. Mostly, I'd say I'm way better off than most--thanks to all the love I'm getting from all of you. I hope your Father's Day Sunday was awesome!

Only Grace

2009-06-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

Since mid-April I've had Matthew West's song, "Only Grace" in my head and I hadn't heard it, even on Pandora, until tonight. I don't know what the lyrics are in the verses, but the chorus is a great reminder that we have "only grace, only love" and that it's enough. Amen and amen.

It has been a tough couple of days. Yesterday started out simple enough. We had to get to the clinic around 8 am, get blood drawn, then meet with my oncologist. That appointment went well, and Dr. Wolf hugged me as she left the room. The nurse practitioner had a hard time finding the consent forms for me to sign, but we eventually got all that taken care of. We were headed to the hospital around 11am to start chemo, or so I thought. Mary went to the car, got our clothes & computers, I waited to get lab results (which I never got), then we headed for the hospital, sure we would be settled in a room by noon and ready to go.

Well, that didn't happen. When we got to admissions, we were told that there were no beds on the unit I needed, and it would be "hours" before there would be a bed available. When we tried to find out how many hours, we got a standard of answer, "it will be before 11 o'clock tonight, when our office closes." Grrr. I was irritated. Mary tried calling our contacts at the clinic to find out what they could find out, but no luck--no one seemed to have any answers. About the time I was about to blow a gasket, we had a little blessing. My friend Kendall called. She had just finished her appointment at MD Anderson and wanted to get together. Kendall and her friend Lauren picked up Mary and me and took us to a great burger place for lunch. Kendall has just finished 8 months of treatments, and was able to walk us through some best practices when working on admissions. It was calming for me to hear that this wasn't a singular experience, but something that happens when the world's cancer patients who can get to Houston come here. (Mary actually helped translate between the un-helpful admissions woman and a couple from Peru on a couple of questions. You go, girl...at least someone is helpful!) The population of the floor I'm on is typically 104-105% of capacity, which means the staff is always busy and juggling patients. It was a great time for God to remind me that I wasn't the only person involved in this fight against cancer--there are other patients, medical staff, and families to consider. It also served as a subtle reminder that whenever I finally did get admitted, to not take my frustration out on the nurses/staff. The busy-ness of the floor meant that had had a full census of patients all day, not that they had been slacking off and just looking for something to do. Lesson #1 learned.

After lunch, Mary decided that our best bet was to head back to the apartment, so that is what we did. Admissions had my # and her #, so we could safely be 30 minutes away and still get to the hospital in plenty of time to "claim" my room when the time was right. Thank God that was what we did. It was almost 4 hours later that we got a call. We ate, rested, visited, talked about our frustrations (and how we didn't want to make the other one suffer b/c we were both frustrated), and had some great coffee. Much better than pacing around the crowded hospital lobbies, that's for sure!

When the call came in, we headed to the hospital and were settled in a room around 630pm. 7pm is shift change, so rather than try to get things started then, the nurse explained how things would work with our night nurse and started gathering materials we'd need for starting chemo that night. She was very sweet, and I immediately was calmer about how long we'd waited. Mary unpacked our clothes, organized the toiletries, and set out my Bible, some stationery and a few other things I requested. The room is a bit small, but fits the two of us perfectly.

The night nurse came in and started to get right to work. She started to check my record to find out what I'd need, and discovered that there was one critical lab result missing from my report. I had to have more blood drawn and wait to make sure everything was where it needed to be. Once the labs were drawn, the nurse started looking for the consent forms, and couldn't find them. So, more waiting to sign consents again (sigh). Then things could start. One doctor had told us she thought chemo would start sometime between 3 and 4pm (which in the moment, sounded late) and the first drops actually started about 1205am Saturday morning.

And drops they were...I had slightly less than 1 liter of the first med to infuse, and it took a whole 24 hours. When they infuse other fluids, a liter usually takes about an hour. I am now 26 hours past my start time, and the 2nd drug is almost finished being infused. The first one went into an IV in my arm, and this 2nd one is being pumped directly into my abdomen. Soon I'll get to spend an hour or two turning from side to side to ensure the medicine coats my entire abdominal cavity. Fun.

To pass the time today, Mary and I explored the hospital. We walked through the rose garden outside, got a free hat for when I start losing my hair (or even for now--it's cute), had a couple cups of coffee (sbux, of course), and got a free hair wash and style for me. Mary also discovered the "cybercenter" where she faxed some stuff for free, and picked up a couple of movies for us to watch in our down time. We also rested, ate 3 great meals, and had great care from our nurses and doctors. For meals, we can call anytime we want and order whatever we want off their menu, and it gets delivered to the room within about an hour. Mine is all free, and Mary's has been pretty affordable, unlike typical "room service" meals Happily, most of the food has been tasty--way above what we were expecting for hospital food! Plus, I am able to order enough to have snacks between meals. As in the rest of life, smaller, more frequent meals are better for me during chemo, so I'm going to try to stick with that. Anything that keeps me feeling good during this is what I need!

Sorry if this is too much information for one post, but it is 3 in the morning, and I don't have a lot of choices with what to do, so I thought I'd share everything (I skipped my bathroom breaks--you're welcome!). Thanks for sticking with me through all of this, and letting me be humanly frustrated when things don't go the way I plan them.

I'll close with God in action in all of this, lest I forget...today Mary and I were trying to briefly explain to Judy what would be expected of anyone who wanted to come and stay with me during treatment. Mary listed as a "bonus" that for admitting day, we simply need to call admissions once we are ready, then go do something fun and/or relaxing until they tell us our room is ready. Less than one day, and she was already able to see how our toughest frustration is actually a gift.

Thank you, Lord, for that perspective.

God is SO good

2009-06-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday and Wednesday were days between appointments. None of us had anything planned those days, we were just rolling with whatever came our way and sounded appealing. I had more residual pain from the surgery than I had expected, so we played it pretty low key for Tuesday. Mom and Dad flew into Sugar Land on Wednesday and wanted to buy everyone lunch. Everyone included Greg & Missy, Debby & Lori, Melissa, Lucy, Maggie, Mary, and me. It was so great to see Dad and Mom (who's staying through the end of the month, at least) and to be able to answer Dad's questions about treatment, plans, housing, etc.

Sometime during the day on Wednesday, Debby got a call from a church in Houston letting her know they had an apartment available and that we'd need to let them know ASAP if we wanted it. Debby called me around 11am to let me know to call them. I called the only number I had for the Church Apartment Ministry, left a message, and waited for a call back. When the call came around 230, we were told that they had no knowledge of a place for us, and that it must have come directly from a church. In a "Three Stooges" manner (gotta love cell phones!), 4 of us ended up driving about 15 minutes to see an apartment.

This is where I really started to see God's hand. Typically, the apartment would have been vacant and available about an hour before a patient and his/her family took advantage of having housing near the med. center. We had more than half a day with an apartment sitting empty, and a volunteer from St. John's Presbyterian Church just waiting at the apartment for someone to come by and let her know they wanted it. It is fully furnished, room for 4 to sleep, and only 6 miles from MD Anderson. When we talked to Marie, the SJPC volunteer, she said that the only reason the apartment was still available was because her database was down and she couldn't update others to let them know it was available. She said that must have meant God was holding it just for me and my family. What a blessing! If you'd like to send something to me directly, address it to me @ 5490 Braesvalley, # 369, Houston, TX 77096.

Mary, Debby, Mom and I took a "test drive" to the hospital to see how long it would take us to get there, and somehow managed to get lost, even though there only appeared to be one turn between the two places. We stopped for coffee after we found the hospital, then somehow managed to get turned around--again--on the way HOME from the hospital. I was tired, hot, and frustrated, and I imagine Mary was as well. Just when I think we were both about at our limits, I saw a sign for a Mediterranean restaurant I'd been wanting to try. Mary pulled into the parking lot, and while I went in to order our dinner, she and Debby figured out where we were and how to get where we needed to go without any doubts. When Debby asked what the purpose was of us getting lost, I told her that Mom needed to see that Mary and I could have some tension and still be all right in the long run. God knows what we need so much more than we do!

Today has been a different kind of day, and I'll write about it soon. I'll just say this one thing, today is "my first day of chemo" and as of 515pm, I still haven't been admitted to the hospital. More soon!

One word...

2009-06-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

So, one word today, ouch!

The surgery to insert the port went fine. Mary and I got to the hospital at the fresh hour of 530am, and I was being taken into surgery by 705. Much more efficient than my last surgery, praise God! I remember being sleepy, then being woken up, so all in all, the anesthesia team did an excellent job. Recovery was quicker than I'd expected, and I was out of recovery by 10am. In the time in between, Mary was able to get to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions from Dr. Wolf and I was able to do everything the recovery room nurse needed from me.

The "ouch" comes from sore muscles on my left side. Because the port/catheter has to go through muscle, I am experiencing muscle soreness I haven't felt before. A reliable resource tells me that I should expect the soreness to last about 36 hours, and then I'll feel much better. I am praying for the Lord's strength to sustain me through this, as it has through everything else.

The medicine to treat the pain makes me sleepy and occasionally dizzy, so I'm going to sign off here. I just wanted to give everyone an update on where I am today. Thanks for the love and the prayers!

Stuff from Today

2009-06-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy day. Mary, Kathleen, and Jessica got here around 3 in the morning, I took Greg to work around 7, and had a full day of appointments. Blessedly, the super-early morning appointments that I had originally scheduled were moved to later in the day, so I was able to come home and rest until about 10am. Mary and I spent the day at MD Anderson, talking with the social worker, getting blood drawn at the lab, finding out about support groups, and meeting with the radiation oncologist.

The big news of the day was pretty limited. There is lots of support available to me and my family. There was some question if there is additional testing needed on my lymph nodes. One pathologist indicated there is reason for concern in that area. The radiation oncologist recommended I ask my regular oncologist if I could be the focus of an inter-disciplinary panel. That means that basically everyone involved with my care would review my medical history and diagnosis to ensure everyone is on the same page with my care, and that everyone involved has input on the best next steps. I guess that is one benefit of having a diagnosis that is unusual....lots of minds focused on care and treatment.

Oh, and since I have two different types of cancer, I get two different ribbon/bracelet colors. For uterine/endometrial I have peach, and for the ovarian, of course, I have teal. They don't match, just for the record. I guess I'll just have to get over it.

Some other thoughts from the last week:

I asked my stockbroker about options for withdrawing from my retirement account if I need it to pay for health care, and after he heard what I've been going through, he answered my questions, then asked if he could pray with me.

I have some options for a place to stay in Houston, which is a big relief. My church has people willing to help with finances so I can take care of things in case I lose my job.

I asked my work about options for working part time, and won't have an answer until at least Friday.

I still am not sleeping well, I think I need to get more active through the day. Pray I continue to feel better so I can be more active.

I have a procedure scheduled on Monday, but won't know what time it is until Friday after 3pm.

With Mary here, I am hoping to take at least one day and do something relaxing and fun before all the craziness starts.

For right now, I'm beat, so I'm signing off. I am sure there will be more soon.

EDIT: I wanted to add that my experience so far with MD Anderson has been great. Every staff member I've dealt with has been very positive, very convinced we are going to beat this. I have laughed with nurses and other staff more than I think is probably normal in a cancer treatment. One nurse even told me she wasn't going to let me leave without getting a hug...I must just look like a hugger :)

Besides asking if he could pray for me, my stockbroker asked a question I don't think I've heard very much before, he said, "are you scared?" I told him that in that moment, I wasn't, but overall I think I am. To be clear, I am not scared of not being cured, I am confident in my doctors' plans for my treatment. I am scared and worried about finances, health benefits, etc. I am trying to hold on to what Greg said, though. It was something to the effect that all of those financial worries are "small stuff" that are only going to be critical for the next 4-6 months. Instead of focusing on the worries, I need to stay focused on the big picture of healing and moving forward, and it seems I have been stuck in thinking about the worst-case scenario. If you would pray with me, more than ever, that God really does have this whole situation in His hands and I can let it go, I would really appreciate it.

The verdict is in

2009-06-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

It is 317am, and I'm up for the 3rd time since I went to bed around 10pm. Gotta love hot flashes that are surgically induced! Hot flashes are a far cry from the "I'm cold" I've been saying for the past couple of years. Now I go from chilly, to sweaty hot, to freezing, all in the course of about 5 minutes--several times a day. It's like my own personal weather system!

Part of the reason I may be having a hard time sleeping tonight is because of my appointment yesterday. I saw an oncologist at MD Anderson (MDA) in Houston. I was half hoping she'd tell me that what was offered to me at Scott & White (SW from here on out) would be the same regimen of treatment she would recommend. That would have kept my life simple...uncomplicated. Um, yeah, that didn't happen.

Prior to the appointment yesterday, I'd already decided that if MD Anderson offered a treatment that was more aggressive, more cutting-edge, I was going to get treated in Houston. I mean, I'm only 36. If the next six to twelve months are more uncomfortable or irritating because of treatment, but it means I'll live 30 more years, I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that. I have had plenty of other opportunities to be foolish in my lifetime, and I didn't want this to be another one.

Here's what it came down to. SW said they'd give me 6 rounds of IV "the gold standard" chemotherapy treatment for my ovarian cancer. When we asked about what they were going to do about the uterine cancer, they said that this chemo would treat both. MDA said that they'd give me 6 rounds of chemo, plus radiation to treat the uterine cancer.

The chemo is not the same as what SW had to offer, instead it is more of a mixed cocktail. IV chemo will be on day 1 (currently scheduled 6/18) , intrapariteneal (okay, I don't know how to spell that, but I'll call it IP) chemo will be on day 2, then another dose of IP chemo on day 8, starting all three steps over on day 22. So, chemo is still every 3 weeks, just with multiple steps. IP chemo treats the ovarian cancer more directly, as it is pumped directly into my abdomen. Because the drugs used for ALL chemo are essentially poisons designed to kill any cancerous cells, I get that poison right on my stomach...fun, fun. For days 1 and 2, I'll be inpatient, but day 8 I'll be outpatient. It all sounds somewhat messy and complicated, but I'm young and smart (when I'm not on pain meds) and I think I'll be able to figure it out.

The next step is trying to figure out who I'll have with me during chemo. Several sisters and friends, plus my mom, have all said they'll be here whenever I need them. All along I'd thought they'd be with me in my home, and that was nice...I could go to my own room if I needed some quiet. Being at MDA or elsewhere in Houston is going to make those living quarters significantly different. I think my next step should be creating some sort of schedule. I know I won't want to be around many people, because my immune system won't be great, I could feel nasty from the chemo, and I'll probably be losing my hair. I don't see this as a great time for me to be sunny and loving others all the time. I suspect I'll want someone who'll read to me, make sure I eat, and won't annoy me. I have a pretty short fuse anyway, and I don't want this experience to remind people of my surly adolesence. God has changed my attitude and my heart so much for the better, that I don't want to ruin that by falling back into my own grumpiness. Pray about that, won't you?

Okay, it's well past the time I should be tired again. I'm going to try to go back to bed, but clearly I had to get some stuff out of my head. I officially have 7 days before things start being driven by my MDA schedule, so let's do something fun before then!

Monday, Monday...

2009-06-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing a lot the past few days, but I still feel like a lot has happened. First off, my mom is amazing. I have not gone hungry, or craved any silly little thing that she has not taken care of right away. Add to that that she has taken my wimpy little garden in my yard and made it look absolutely amazing. PLUS, she has done all of the laundry, dishes, and housecleaning. Is this what it is like to be an only child? I could not have imagined it.

Today has been busy-ish. I had to go to my doctor's office to have a mammogram and some blood drawn to screen for breast cancer. If she finds anything in the films or in the genetic testing, she is recommending some radical treatment to pre-emptively rid my body of breast cancer. You would think that would freak me out.

After worship yesterday, a group of my church elders prayed over me and for me. I could not have imagined how powerful that would feel, nor how calming it could be. I tend to cry anytime I hear someone pray for me, and yesterday was not an exception, but for once I was not crying tears of despair, but tears of hope. I had a certain sense that the reason the past month or so has not devastated me is because I have so many people praying for me, and so often. I get the sense that the odd moments I panic or get scared are the odd moments someone out there is not praying for me. They have been so few, and I am overwhelmed.

This evening I'm headed to Houston with my mom and my sister to get a 2nd opinion about treatment options from an oncologist @ MD Anderson. My appointment is tomorrow morning. If she offers some more aggressive treatment than what I've already learned about, I will probably get treatment there. If not, I'll stick with what I've learned about closer to home.

Thanks for praying to me, and reaching out to me, and just loving me. I know I'll continue to need all of those things!

Thoughts on today

2009-05-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

Almost normal

2009-05-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, typing away, messing with facebook, having some coffee, and life feels almost normal.

Then I remember I was in an oncologist's office this morning, and the coffee is decaf. Something is amiss. And my mom has unloaded my car after more than two weeks at my sister's house, and I couldn't even argue with her to let me help her. Very unusual.

I nearly cried today, after seeing the oncologist. I was on a "tour" with the oncology nurse. She was showing me where we'd park when it was time for me to come back for chemo, showing me the infusion suites, the waiting area. On our way out of the waiting room, we passed a display case of scarves, wigs, and yellow "Live Strong" bracelets. None of that bothered me. What got to me was the nurse explaining that instead of wearing a pink ribbon (breast cancer), "we are teal." It hit me, in that moment, that I really do have cancer, and there's even a color people would think of when it came to the type of cancer I have. For whatever reason, I just came undone. I couldn't even stop & listen to what else she was saying, I had to keep walking.

I'm sure there are many times that knowing I have cancer will make me feel like coming undone, I just wasn't ready for today to be one of those days.

On the flip side, there is a woman who lives in the town I work in who makes free wigs for cancer patients. Any suggestions for what color I should get? I am told it is VERY likely I will lose my hair.

Mission & ministry

2009-05-25T10:06:00.001-07:00

This was the month I was supposed to travel to Latvia for 3 months. I was going to help plant churches, work with kids, and build the church there. When I changed jobs, the sabbatical I had been looking forward to was out the window.

I have been letting this get under my skin for a couple of months. How could I do the job I had been given when I thought I was called to go do "Kingdom work" in another country? I worked unenthusiastically at my job, just trying to get through one day at a time. I have had several conversations with my sister, about how I could serve the Lord no matter where I was and though I knew it was true, it did not make me want to move. I was stuck in serving my own self-pity.

Then I found out I was sick, and pretty sick at that. I have spent the last couple of weeks wondering what I'm to do with my diagnosis. Cancer. Hmmm. I bravely told my pastor that I guess this is what God had intended all along, for me to be His witness and his minister to other people in similar situations. I know that what God has for me is for my good and His glory, but it is just harder to see at times like this. I am certain that God knows what he is doing in this.

Yesterday as my mom was driving me to church, we were talking about praying for God's will. It was an interesting discussion, because for many years, I have been comforted in the prayer that even though I may not think I like what God has intended for me, He will make me content in it. This is more true now than ever before....

I probably have icky cancer treatments ahead. I will likely have recurrences of the cancers I have, even after rounds of chemo or radiation. I am a harbinger of the health problems my sisters and nieces could be able to expect. That is a lot of pressure for one person and her health, but I'm not scared of it. God is strong enough, even for this.

I'm tired

2009-05-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

So far...

2009-05-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

Don't really know what to say or how I'm feeling, so here is a jumble of thoughts from today.

I have not been thinking too clearly about having cancer. The more I thought of it, the more I could only imagine the worst. In God's blessing, it is not the worst, actually far from it. I spoke to the doctor, who told me that what I have going on is the best of the bad news. The cancer is relatively new to my body, and there are only 2 kinds of cancer present--ovarian and uterine. Of the 4 potential types I could have, I am really quite relieved there are only 2.

I had asked the doctor what the weights of the different tumors were, and what I know for certain is that my two ovaries weighed nearly 14 pounds. That is out of control. I am relieved they are gone.

I am not as scared as I was without knowing. My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday @ noon, at which point I will know when my appointment with the oncologist will be. We've started gathering medical records to get 2nd or 3rd opinions. My ulitimate hope is that the Lord would just heal me, and make me stronger in Him. Beyond that, I would like to stay here in Temple for treatment, just to be close to home, family, friends, and my church. I know, though, that the Lord will put me on the path that is best for me, and will provide the best healing.

Thanks for all of your prayers, calls, and visits. I am still fairly tired, trying to recover from round one, so don't take it personally if I don't respond too quickly. I just wanted each of you to know I love you, and I know you love me. I covet your continued prayers and I promise to let you know if I need anything.

PS-Say an extra prayer for Debby. I am so thankful for her love, her caring, and her tenacity to always keep asking the questions even when I think I don't want the answers. I am being very spoiled, so if you are thinking about coming to spend time with me, just know that the standard for me feeling taken care of is VERY high.

I have cancer

2009-05-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today for the first time I said it out loud. "I have cancer." It was a scary sentence to say, even though now I've said it 3 or 4 times.

I don't want cancer to be what defines me. I have so much else in my life. I have great family & friends, I have a God who loves me, I have a hope for the future.

I don't want to be a person defined by the worst of her, but the best.

EDIT: So here's what I'm asking, in my selfish, ego-seeking state. Leave me a comment, heck , leave me 15, and tell me what you know of me that best defines me. When I get sad and teary-eyed, I want to know that there are lots of things about me that you think are the best.

Thanks!

7 days

2009-05-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy, overwhelming week. Last Thursday, went to the doctor for some general pain, and now a week later I've had major surgery that will take 6 weeks of recovery, I've been diagnosed with a-still-unknown form (or forms) of cancer.

Praise God that He is good. Even when I am most scared, most anxious, I know that in this, too, God will be a real presence for me. I have thousands of people (well, maybe hundreds, but still) praying on my behalf, and that God's plan is for my good and His glory. Though there are a lot of things right now that have me asking questions, this truth is not one of them.

Pray now for peace, for healing, for no fear, and that everyone will remember that their suggestions and criticisms do not replace prayer as the most helpful thing I need.

Tired & Thankful

2009-04-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am tired of myself. I think I feel that way a LOT. I am thankful, today, though, for people who remind me it's okay to feel not particularly great. God doesn't change. He will never grow tired of me. That reminder may be just what I need to get over myself.

Thank God!

Feelings

2009-04-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead. It is a day I should feel so humbled, so grateful, and so sure of the power of God. Instead, I am struggling with disappointment. I am also asking "Why?" way too much. As I have praise and worship songs, church hymns, and prayers going through my head, I wonder why it is I can say the words, and think the words, but feel so few of the words alive in my heart.

It is not a good feeling.

I want to be joyful that HE IS RISEN! Instead, I just wonder where He is. Where is He in this hurt that I feel, this disappointment that I face? Where is He when I feel so alone? Where is He when I can hardly stomach the idea of facing another day? Where is He when I feel all of these feelings deep in the pit of my stomach? Where is He when I ache?

Where is He when I feel so selfish, so self-centered? Where is He? Where is He?

I am sure these are the same types of questions early Christians felt when the tomb was empty. I think, though, they had more hope that I do. I feel despair, despondent, and utterly alone. Even as I write those words, they sound so foolish.

How can I compare my hurt to someone who is really struggling? There are those with real sorrows out there, some of whom I know and love deeply. I struggle to get out of my hole of self-centeredness long enough to love them, to hug them, to pray for them, and then...I crawl right back in. I hate being here. I hate feeling like there is no end to my selfish misery. I think I am starting to make myself physically ill because I am so tired of myself.

Again, it is not a good feeling.

I need to remember that how I FEEL about God does not change who God is or how powerful He is. I need to be reminded every single moment of every single day that HE is the ONE who has the power to save me from myself. Even in this darkness, this despair, this loneliness, HE is still sovereign. I know I need Him more than I need anything, or anyone, else. I know I need to get over myself and see God's hand in everything in my life. I know He reigns. I know that what He has for me is for my good and His glory. In this knowing, though, I still feel unsure. Can I trust God to care for all of those things that are so important that they hurt? Can I trust God to cover me when I am so consumed? Can I trust God to still love me when I doubt Him over and over again?

Lord, I pray that you cover me today. Cover me with Your grace, your glory, your mercy. Lord, grant that I would take my eyes off of myself for one brief moment and turn my gaze to you. Let me see, lord, that you truly are sovereign. Show me again and again, Lord, that you do not make mistakes. Let me listen to You, Lord. Let me rest in You, in Your completed work we celebrate today. Lord, God, I pray that I will be a witness for you; one who reflects your light and love for all the sons of Adam. Sovereign Lord, please reign in my heart and my mind, now and always. Amen.

Question...

2009-03-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel completely euphoric one moment and helplessly lost the next? If this is not your normal state, but rather a random occurrence, it's normal, right? (Please say yes!)

"Overheard in New York" funny

2009-02-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

Did You Look in Aisle Seven?

Cashier: Hi ma'am, did you find everything you wanted?

Big funky black lady: Yeah, I guess so. Too bad you guys don't sell husbands here.

--Bath and Body Works, Park Ave & 23rd

Deserving

2009-02-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Family and Other Thoughts

2009-02-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend with family--two of my sisters, one sister-in-law, and one niece. As I drove home, I was listening to Proverbs, and I kept hearing the same words over and over.

Wisdom, evil, righteous, wicked, folly, prudence

I realized that all of these applied to us, the women of the weekend, to our family as a whole, and to me--in differing degrees at differing times. What a blessing it is to see how we love each other through all of the folly, all of the wickedness, and all of the evil, in ourselves, and in the world. What a gift it is to me to know that the love I feel from and for my family is merely a shadow, a glimpse, of the love of our Savior for us.

Often I have to let go of simple fantasies of what could be in this world and remind myself that some day--Lord willing--we will eat, laugh, dance, and sing (to borrow images from Tim Keller)in the presence of One who loves us perfectly, and who does so in spite of ourselves. When I am able to let go of this world for brief moments of clarity, I realize that no matter how I think I am at home here, my true home waits for me, and it is so much more than what I could ever conjure or imagine on my own.

Like I needed one more waste of time...

2009-01-27T21:04:00.000-08:00

So...

2009-01-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

Do you think anyone carries keys to the White House? With all that security, would it really be necessary? If no one carries the keys to the White House, do you think there is a set safe somewhere, just in case?

Delicioso!

2008-12-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

It's true...

2008-12-17T21:36:00.000-08:00

I am my mother's child...I am planning a very late night of cooking and Christmas preparation.

I am also my father's child...I think it is critical that everything I make gets taste-tested for approval.

I don't think this the looming midnight hour is such a good time to have those traits exhibiting so strongly.

more randomness

2008-12-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

I was listening to an interview with an author today. He had written a novel about a father with 13 children. The host asked, "Do you think it is possible for a father to love all thirteen children equally?" The author, one of only two kids, said no. He thought the father could remember isolated accomplishments well enough to pretend to love his children equally, so they felt love, but not to actually love them equally.

I disagree. Though my father loves all 13 of his children differently, I think we are all equally loved. As in any relationship, there are seasons when that love is felt more deeply, but I know my dad (and my mom) love all of us.

It makes me sad to wonder how this author was loved, and whether the love from his parents was unconditional.

Miracles still happen today

2008-11-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

Just in case you forgot...

2008-09-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

7 Years Later

2008-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago today, things seemed dark. Many say things were dark. I will admit, it wasn't a happy day for me. The days that followed were hard physically and emotionally, and I was spiritually empty, as I had been for years.

Each September since then, I get a little melancholy, fearful. What will this year bring? Will I be able to watch the news without crying? read the headlines? talk to friends? It takes me until about September 9th to admit that I worry about the 11th, even just worry about remembering.

This year has felt a little different. Instead of expecting the world to stand still and remember what happened 7 years ago, I hope in the world moving on--myself included. Not that I don't want to honor and remember, I just don't want to stagnate in the past. Life is full of blessings, even through darkness.

This morning I talked to my mom. She read me a letter from a neighbor, Elaine, who she had never met. Elaine talked about seeing my parents build and move into their home, about watching as family came to visit, noticing the joy we have in one another. My parents live in a town with about 500 people, and this woman lives across the lake, a very natural place to observe the comings & goings of my family, especially in the summertime when we descend on my parents' house to play. Elaine talked about September 11, 2001, about how she felt like she needed to go to church. She happened to pick my parents' church, heard about my brother, and felt deep sadness for a family she'd never even met. The letter she sent was such a blessing to my mom. As Mom read it to me, I cried. I am so thankful for her blessing to my folks. She took the time, after seven years, to let my folks know she had been praying for our family, even though she didn't know us. She commented on the things my mom loves to do in the summertime, having grandkids visit and water-ski, and how seeing all of us in action is such joy to her.

Elaine is a blessing to us, even when it would be so easy to get caught up in the darkness. It reminds me of why there is such hope, such peace, even now, seven years later.

Sin and my relationship to God

2008-09-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of changes coming my way soon, and those changes have affected my sleep. I can't get to sleep at night, and then when morning comes I dread getting out of bed. It is not good. A friend suggested that when I can't sleep that I write a letter of what is on my mind.

As I tried to get to sleep the other night, I was filled with thoughts of what I want for my future. Once I started there, I couldn't sleep, so I got up and started writing. The words on the page were terrifying to me (especially when I read them later) because they spoke forcefully of my sin of self-centeredness and not trusting the Lord to provide the desires of my heart.

When I told my friend about this letter, I asked him what his greatest sin is, and he replied that it is fear. That is similar to mine, I thought, because it's all about what we're focusing on that is NOT Christ. I tried coming up with words to bring out the similarities, but could not do it.

Yesterday in church, Jeff said something about fear that was very relevant. Fear is an alternate faith, and by giving our lives over to fear, we put more merit on it than we do in the Lord. I think you could substitute any sin for fear there, but I thought it was so well put I had to share it.

I am so thankful that God sent his Son to atone for all of our sins, because I am sure there is no way I could ever escape these kinds of things on my own.

meandering mind

2008-08-15T10:04:00.001-07:00

I have a lot going on in my head. I've been trying really hard to pray about it, but I am so confused about what to ask that prayer is a challenge all by itself.

Does it say anything about the state of my mind that I am choosing to clean house and do laundry as escape mechanisms? Should this concern me?

Prayer

2008-06-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note asking for prayer for my sister, Judy, and her kids...Taylor, Braden, Spencer, Sophia, and Parker. Many of you know that they lost Brent, husband & Dad, unexpectedly in November of 2006. Yesterday would have been Judy & Brent's 20th wedding anniversary. I talked to Judy, who was really trying hard to hold it together, but I could hear the sadness in her voice.

I am so thankful she is willing to share the sadness somewhat now, that she trusts her family & friends enough to say she isn't happy all the time. I also pray in thanksgiving that she sees the joys in life and not just the sorrows. She said, "I could have sat around being depressed all day. Then I remembered I have five healthy kids and life is still pretty good." Big steps.

Pray for Judy & her kids, even just a brief moment, to honor this passage of time that probably helps and hurts at the same time. Then, please, take time to pray for your friends & family who have lost someone near and dear, and remember that loss, and honor that love.

Flawed

2008-06-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

We all have our flaws--most of us have more than we'd like to admit. One friend in particular (you know who you are) seems to have periods where her flaws are all she sees. Whether it is a job you don't get, a love that is unrequited, or a life you are just not content with, life is full of disappointments.

My one friend has hit the point where all she can see is what she does not have. Simply put, she is unhappy, broken. I should say here that I love this friend. She is an amazing human being. She is my sister in Christ. She is one I can laugh with, cry with, and speak sternly to when she cannot see her own worth.

I try to remember that we are only on this earth for a short period of time. I also try to remember that this is not where we are meant to feel at home. If we feel at home here, then the GLORY promised to us in the next world seems insignificant. We are in this world, but, PRAISE GOD, not of this world.

I pray often that I would be able to see outside of myself. Each Sunday at church, we have a time set aside to confess our sins. As I sit there every Sunday, I cannot believe that I am confessing the same sin yet again....Lord, forgive me for being so self-centered, so stuck on who I am and what I have (or don't have) that I cannot see the glorious promises you have for me for more than a fleeting second.

I pray this now for my friend...that she can see beyond the current state of discomfort and discontent to know--KNOW--that she is loved and valued beyond all imagining. I confessed to her last week that I cannot imagine a man who is willing to see beyond my flaws and love me, that I don't think that I am worth that. She wondered how I could think that considering God designed me, created me, put me on earth, loved me, and shaped me into who I am now...how could anyone else's love compare to that?

I ask all of you the same question...how dare we convince ourselves that we are our flaws? Does God make mistakes, or does He simply put us into situations in which we are forced to our knees to rely on Him?

Coveting

2008-06-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

In the Bible, there are lots of references to things 'you shall not covet.' Today, I am coveting your prayers, and I am fairly confident that I am allowed to do so. I didn't realize how closely I was relating my worth to what I do for a living. I think I have been in a minor depression for some time, and just didn't realize it.

Please pray for me, that I would realize that what God has planned for me is infinitely greater than what I am doing here & now. Also, pray that I will find some assurance that what I am doing now has purpose in the Lord's providence, and that I don't feel like I am wasting my time.

Thanks!

News

2008-05-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything to say, but one of my friends mentioned it was time to post something, so how about a news flash?

My job is changing, ever-so-slightly...On Memorial Day I am being placed at a different store. I will still be in Temple, but I'm taking over as manager at the store on I-35. Bigger staff, bigger facility, a lot of unknowns. I'll miss my store I've been running for 4 years, but knowing I'm only a few miles away, and that a great manager is taking over at my old place makes it a touch easier.

One friend asked if I wanted to change stores. My most honest answer is yes, only because it is clear that is what God has for me right now.

Have a great day!

No problem...

2008-05-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord! He is good!

2008-04-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Debby and Lori came home today, about two weeks earlier than expected. It is as if a physical stress has been removed, just to have them within 20 minutes of my home.

When I got to their house tonight, it was almost as if nothing had changed. My bro-in-law was grilling meat, the other kids were helping clean up for dinner, and Lori was in the family room, exercising. Debby was answering all sorts of questions, able somehow to juggle the needs of a family of 7 (8 if you count me, and I do :)

Dinner was full of conversation, everyone comparing their day, complaining about homework and research papers, arguing over who had which cup. The biggest difference was in all the smiles. Even in the dreading of homework, we smiled. When I asked if I could take a Meyer family picture, no one grumbled, and everyone said yes.

Lori seemed amazed by what she forgot she had missed. The last of the bluebonnets are in the field, the first aromatic roses are ready to cut, and life seems sweet and good. Several times I watched Lori as she picked up a vase with flowers in it, simply to smell how sweet life is at home.

I am so thankful for the Lord's provision during this time. I imagine he knew, before Lori got sick, how often we took each other for granted. This season of fear certainly made us love and honor each other immeasurably more. Praise God, for He certainly doesn't give us more than He will help us handle. All is for our good and God's glory; the fear, the unknown, the healing, and the celebration...our good, God's glory....Amen.

huh???

2008-03-19T20:51:00.001-07:00

I don't know why the donate tab showed up where it did--very frustrating! I'll try to make it go away. Amy :)

Long Time Gone

2008-03-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

donate here

2008-02-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

Leave a comment here if you'd like to donate to the Meyers. I'll make sure to be in touch! Amy :)

Lori's story

2008-02-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

My niece has been in the hospital for about two and a half weeks. Time often flies by without my noticing, but these days have been excruciatingly long. I never thought I'd need to know so much about doctors, nurses, ventilators, injections, infections, fever, surgery, and medications. I also never knew how critical it is to feel love and prayer in times of hurt.

This is hard stuff. I want to give all I have to be a support to my sister & her family, but I know that life carries on outside of the hospital. I know the LORD is carrying us through this, and no matter what I do, it is out of my hands. I keep praying, asking for courage, peace, rest, and healing--all in varying degrees for different people. I pray now that we all (myself included!) would just rest in the LORD and his provision.

That is hard, too...I don't know how to be the one without all the answers. I would appreciate any and all prayers. And if you'd like to know more about what's going on with Lori, just check out her webpage. Go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/lorikmeyer and read "my story" for the basics, and the journal for (almost) daily updates.

What do you type when you want to GROWL?

2008-01-22T20:09:00.001-08:00

I know I should be more sympathetic, more compassionate, more reasonable, but I'm just not. For the past 10 days, someone at work has been sick. It's been a variety of people, a variety of ailments, and a gigantic pain the rear to get worked out.

It seems to add about an hour of work to my day every day, just scrambling to find one person, or maybe two, who can fill in for someone who is out sick.

I know the realities of my job, but sometimes I don't like them very much. Just today, I told my boss, who does not have to deal with the idiosyncracies of others' health, that I have been doing research on burnout. I'm not sure what it is, but I think I may be coming down with it.